Middle-Aged Diva

Forgive

2012-01-29T04:02:00.000-05:00

I forgive everyone in my life
and release them with love.
They are free and I am free.
~Louise Hay

It's a sad fact, but true nonetheless,
that there are people in this world
who treat us poorly.
It's a good idea to forgive and release them.

To do otherwise (or to do nothing)
is to allow toxicity to color our lives.

Smile

2012-01-28T04:18:00.001-05:00

One of the best things about being in Tampa this week
is how people on the street smile and greet me.
People I don't know.
It doesn't happen that often in the San Francisco Bay area.

The simple gift of a smile and a "hello" can make someone's day.

Beautiful Tarpon Springs on a beautiful winter day

2012-01-27T14:51:00.007-05:00

Earlier this week I had lunch with a friend on the water in the beautiful fishing village of Tarpon Springs, Fla. Its known for sponge fishing, which seems to be done solely by bronzed Greek men wearing anachronistic diving suits. You can just make out the suit--barely--on the fisherman above. These boats load up with tourists for a short jaunt into the bay, where fishermen wow the crowd with their diving prowess. Definitely worth a visit if you're in the Tampa Bay area.

As you can see, it was a beautiful day to have lunch on the patio of Dmitri's. Just lovely. It's been wonderful to connect with my Florida friends again and to visit many of my favorite spots on this, my second annual visit to my second home. (P.S. I had souvlaki, one of my favorite Greek dishes. And some of that fabulous lemony soup. I do have Greek heritage, by the way.)

Today is yesterday's "some day"

2012-01-27T04:09:00.000-05:00

Curly Girl Designs

We act as if our time is limitless,
but really, it's not.
That's something we begin to grasp as we age.

We're already on the journey
and today is a yesterday's some day.

Let's make the most of it.

If changes are needed to improve our quality of life,
this is the time to make them.

Otherwise, it can be a hard lesson.

The end is not really the end

2012-01-26T00:15:00.000-05:00

It's a concept that's hard to grasp,
this "the end isn't really the end but the beginning" thing.

What I think it means is this:

Sometimes, something must go
in order to build something more beautiful.

That we have the opportunity to learn
from the first go-around.

That if we take that opportunity
and actually do learn,
we can replace it with something even better.

It could be an improved version of the same thing.
Or something brand new.
Better.

But, hey:
it's not a guarantee.
It's not magic.
It takes some effort. Some work.

Otherwise?
Same thing, different day.

Oh, and God blogged about this, too:

When the world shows up, hang on to it!

2012-01-25T00:01:00.000-05:00

In my dream,
the angel shrugged
and said,
if we fail this time
it will be a failure of imagination
and then she placed the world
gently in the palm of my hand.
~Storypeople

The world appears in the palm of our hands
more often than we might realize.
Most of the time, we're just not paying attention
when it shows up.

Or, even if we do notice,
we just can't seem to get there from here.
We'd rather struggle.
That's a more familiar feeling and
there's comfort in familiarity.

A shame, really, to waste our world.
So if it shows up, hang on to it with all your might.
Fight for it, if you must.

It's worth it.

Season life with a little mischief

2012-01-24T03:52:00.000-05:00

I remember* a day, decades ago, when late one night
(long before the necessary paranoia that defines"security" today)
after an evening out and a few cocktails
M, a couple of friends and I somehow got into the office of the Governor of Florida.

Yep. Right into his office.
And into his chair.

It was mischief,
accompanied by artificially furtive behavior
and peals of laughter.

We did no harm. And we left before security arrived.
Ok, truth is we narrowly escaped
being caught by security.
But oh, what fun it was!

I don't recommend trying that today.

But I highly recommend seasoning life this year
with a little harmless mischief.

Got any suggestions, or a mischief story of your own?
*M doesn't remember it. But I do.

Step into a painting

2012-01-23T08:24:00.001-05:00

Serenity II by Sherree Valentine Daines

It's culture day here at the Diva's place. Art. That's right. Art. Paintings. A little "cultcha."

Step right into these scenes with me, will you? The artist is Sherree Valentine Daines.

Sea Breeze

Daines is Britain's leading figurative artist and this painting's a beautiful example of modern British impressionism.

These little girls look like they haven't a care in the world. They're in the moment, enjoying their explorations in the sea breeze. I can feel the water on their feet and the gusts of soft wind that push at their dresses. The innocent curiosity of childhood so beautifully depicted.

Carefree Times

A lazy Sunday afternoon. The air is completely still and there's nothing on the schedule but some coffee, wine and relaxing in the sunshine with the newspaper and the dog. I can't envision this guy having any job at all; he looks like he's to the manor born. Don't you love his hat? She looks like she might be waiting patiently for him to finish so they can go back to bed. You can't tell me that's not a nightgown. The dog's perfectly rendered. I can hear him pant.

Up top, Serenity II -- my favorite.

Some art just speaks to you, doesn't it? Daines' work does that for me. I love her take on modern impressionism, its dreamy quality that allows viewers to fill in the details themselves. I could stare at these paintings forever. In fact, I have.

Here are a few more:

Lazy Days

A Treasured Gift

How about you? Do have have a favorite painting? a favorite style of art? What do you think of these?

Eastward bound!

2012-01-21T21:38:00.003-05:00

It's that time again. To Florida I go
for my annual, week-long visit with my girls.
Yes, girls.

Oh, of course they are women.
But I like us best when we are doing girly things.
Nails.
Shopping.
Tea.
Gossip (benign, of course).
And laughing.
Sometimes giddily.

So, yes, girls.
No faux sophistication, here.
Love my girls & can't wait to see them.

Then, two more stops, these in the Northeast.
More girls.

Off in the predawn hours.
Catch you from the east coast!

The quiet of pre-dawn

2012-01-21T09:58:00.001-05:00

I've always loved the quiet hours before dawn,
when the entire world is still sleeping.

Except for me.

The houses around me are dark.
Not a sound outside: no traffic, not even birds.
Even Riley's snug in his bed.

Life is in repose.

Wrapped in a thick robe, I'm cozy in my house.
One lamp lights the room and a lit candle
sends out the scent of fresh-cut apples.

A good time to read. Write. Or just sit.

☀

Then, slowly, as the sun comes up,
the world comes to life.
The slap of newspaper deliveries hitting pavement.
The beep-beep of car remotes unlocking.
Garage doors open and ignitions start.

The click of the coffeemaker marks the start of my day.

The world catching up with me is almost a disappointment;
I'm sorry to lose the peace and quiet.

But then, I remember: dawn will come again tomorrow.

Updated West Side Story reflects our loss of innocence

2012-01-20T11:27:00.034-05:00

West Side Story (1961) was one of the first 'adult' movies I ever saw. Inspired by Romeo and Juliet but set in mid 1950s New York City, it's a dark, sad story of young lovers doomed by gang rivalries.

First performed on Broadway in 1957, it was famed lyricist Stephen Sondheim's Broadway debut and one of the gems in Leonard Bernstein's well-deserved crown. Who hasn't felt the joy of being with their beloved, so beautifully portrayed by the song, Tonight? ♥ Or prepared for a date with the giddy excitement of Maria as she sings I Feel Pretty. Or even felt the heartbreak of a love they can't have, as in Somewhere. Universals in the hands of Sondheim and Bernstein? Exquisite.

With all that talent plus modern (for that time) choreography by Jerome Robbins, it really was a powerhouse production. The movie didn't disappoint, either, with a young Natalie Wood, hot and sexy Rita Moreno and George Chakiris. And great dancing, especially by Russ Tamblyn. They weren't the greatest voices of the time, but their performances were sweet and just right for the era.

So when the Broadway touring company came to San Jose, I looked forward to seeing the production.

West Side Story has always held a kind of innocence for me, even though the story pivots on gang rivalry. NYC gangs at that time weren't tame, but they weren't as sinister as gangs today.

Gangs in the 50s weren't innocent by any means, but they "rumbled " more than they killed. Their rites of passage didn't involve taking lives, then getting teardrop tattoos to commemorate the murder. They had knives and handguns, not assault rifles. It seems strange to call gang wars back then more wholesome but compared to today, they certainly seem tamer. Things are different today, and as expected, that contrast was sharply brought home in the story. I couldn't help but grieve for that lost time when life wasn't so extreme.

I believe a play should be performed as originally intended, unless it's completely restaged Shakespeare in modern dress or something like that. You can't update a play effectively if you're just changing snippets. It's hard to keep the mood and flow of the original. You're either all in or not, or so it seems to me. It takes a deft hand to only partially update a play.

That deft hand was missing the other night. While we can't expect that a more than 50-year-old play wouldn't be updated at all, I thought some of the updates in the touring production of West Side Story detracted from the story's cohesion.

From Row 21 (we got our tickets late), it was hard to differentiate between the Sharks and the Jets. Better costuming would have helped tremendously.

I didn't much like that some dialogue and songs were updated and performed Spanish to "reflect how the characters would have spoken in their own homes." Too much. It felt like a nod to political correctness that distracted from the story. Getting the "intent" of the song or the dialogue wasn't enough. It isn't opera, after all.

The production was much edgier, even racier, than the original, especially the dance sequences. Some of it was riveting. But some of the "updates" to the ensemble choreography seemed cheap and gratuitous. For example, I was jarred when dancers came to a momentary stop while the dancer at center stage--the audience's focal point-- turned his back to the audience to spread his jeans-clad buttocks at the audience. What the hell was that? I thought. Worse, the audience laughed with appreciation. Maybe of his firm butt? I don't know.

It was jarring to see that even our most revered plays have been rewritten to pander to the lowest common denominator. I expected a huge penis coming at me from the screen in Harold and Kumar's sophomoric 3D Christmas movie. Or at least I wasn't surprised. But spreading one's butt cheeks to the West Side Story audience? It was unnecessary. I mean, I love a firm butt as much as the next girl, but it's all about context.

Still, it was wonderful to reacquaint myself with the characters, the music and the movement. Take a moment and lose yourself in some of the most romantic songs ever written.

Here's a beautiful duet of Somewhere from Glee

Here's Russ Tamblyn as Tony and Natalie Wood as Maria, singing Tonight. From the film.

The conundrum of reconciliation

2012-01-20T02:01:00.000-05:00

We are all, by nature, clearly oriented
toward the basic human values of love & compassion.

We all prefer the love of others to their hatred.
We all prefer others' generosity to meanness.

And who is there among us who does not prefer
tolerance, respect & forgiveness of our failings
to bigotry, disrespect and resentment?
-Dalai Lama

If this is the case, and I believe it is,
then why is it so difficult sometimes
to reach across the chasms that separate us?

What is the cost of taking the risk?
of reaching across the unknown
to try to bridge the gap?

Furkins: a step up from vajazzling

2012-01-19T09:17:00.002-05:00

If you've been reading Diva more than a year, I'm sure you remember my post on vajazzling. It was a popular post. A bit more popular than the one on National Masturbation Month. But not as popular as the one on huge fake hooters; that one got a ton of traffic, especially from the Middle East.

Today, though, I bring you another post that's destined for greatness, a post all about the perfect accessory for a waxed, lasered or shaved pudenda: fur and feather merkins. This product offering is courtesy of former Real Housewife of NYC Cindy Barshop, who invented them and sells them in her waxing salon. Around $200, more or less, depending on the version. What do you think?

Merkin. Such an obscure word. I have no earthly idea where I first heard it, but I've known this word for a damn long time. Never heard it? Look it up HERE.

There's all sorts of crazy PETA talk out there about these adorable puffs being made out of fox fur. In fact, Gawker's calling them furkins. (Love it) But they sure look like feathers to me.

I haven't been able to find a full frontal photo that shows how they are affixed further down below, sorry. But I'd sure like to see the entire design.

Cindy, who also is credited with originating the vajazzle trend, has really hit the right mark with this line of merkins. They're soft and puffy, so they won't rip dainty lingerie like fake gemstones, and I think they're kind of cute. Apparently they can get wet, too. But you're not supposed to scrub them. This raises a few key questions, but I'll leave those for now.

And with Mardi Gras coming up, the gay community--always on trend-- can't be far behind. The reason I know this is that in 1990 I went to Mardi Gras for 10 days with 8 gay men. {Our group was so well-connected in the leather community that we got coveted tickets to the Lords of Leather Ball.... where we ran into two friends with their adorable boy-slave. Not a real boy, of course. Oh, so many stories.} Needless to say I came home much better educated on so many things. So, I predict we'll see furkins in the New Orleans Gay Quarter this Mardi Gras.

Yes, yes, it's definitely the fall of the empire.

Self-validating builds self-esteem

2012-01-18T07:38:00.004-05:00

Who validates you as good enough? Who stamps your card?
How do you know you are ok?

When we're children, we look to our parents for that stamp that says we're worthy.
As teens, we look to our friends, our peers.

If we mature in a healthy way, we grow in confidence over the years, appreciate our individuality and learn to validate ourselves.

Some of us over-relate to a job and count on it to give us our self-worth. It's not unusual for women to look toward a relationship for validation, as in if we're attractive to a partner, then that makes us ok. Lovable. Worthy.

The quest for external validation can be a trap if it keeps us involved in jobs or relationships that don't give us what we really want. Regardless of our rationales (and the smarter we are, the better the rationales) maybe the truth is we don't feel worthy enough.

Maybe 2012 should be the year we learn that we can validate ourselves. That we really are good enough, just as we are.

And that the most important stamp on our card is the one we place ourselves.

There is a winner

2012-01-17T08:24:00.005-05:00

The winner of The Diva Doctrine by Patricia V. Davis is....Ally!

Thanks so much for entering--Patricia and I were inspired by the wisdom you posted. Every entry was serious food for thought.

If only we knew then what we knew now, right? But then we wouldn't have the pleasure of learning it for ourselves.

Thanks again--and if you didn't win, you might considering picking the book up anyway. Definitely worth the read.

The strength of love

2012-01-17T08:06:00.004-05:00

Curly Girl Designs

I have seen some extraordinary examples of love in recent years.

When we think we can't do it, love gives us the strength.

Having felt the power of love myself,
I know
that it's a wondrous thing.

Dr. MLK and love

2012-01-16T10:16:00.014-05:00

I have decided to stick with love.
Hate is too great a burden to bear.
-Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

For those of you too young to remember,
this is the way it was
in the 1960s South.
Law enforcement set dogs on protesters.
Civil rights workers were murdered.

Makes a little pepper spray look tame in comparison.

But it does point out that some things haven't changed enough.

But here's my real point:
We should never forget how black people
were treated back in the day.

How hard
the battle for civil rights --civil disobedience--was.
How brave our black and white brothers and sisters
who fought the battle were.

And how despite the vitriol aimed at him and others,
Dr. King stood for love.

This is why Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. is important enough
to have a day of remembrance.

But really, this photo is what we should remember.

Honor & trust

2012-01-16T00:04:00.000-05:00

Kelly Rae Roberts

I ran across something I'd written a while back,
something about the trust I was feeling in particular situation.
Of course, as life sometimes turns out, my trust at the time was misplaced.

Reading this piece so many years later
made me think about the nature of trust.

Trust means having complete faith in a person or situation.
In their integrity.

We have to choose whom we trust wisely, though.

The late Suze Rotolo wrote an excellent memoir* about Bob Dylan,
her lover for four years.
Here's what she said about him in a 1964 journal entry:

I believe in his genius, he is an extraordinary writer
but I don't think of him as an honorable person.
He doesn't necessarily do the right thing.
But where is it written that this must be so
in order to do great work in the world?

Perhaps it isn't required to do great work.
But being honorable is one of the traits that makes a person trustworthy.

{She implies that it was one of the dealbreakers in their relationship.}

We'd be well-served by picking and choosing with care those
in whom we place our trust.

*A Freewheelin' Time, a Memoir of Greenwich Village in the Sixties by Suze Rotolo. Sadly, she died in 2011.

Create more bliss

2012-01-15T09:58:00.001-05:00

Ecstasy is one of its definitions, but that's not how I think of it.
Ecstasy seems wilder than bliss.

Bliss seems blended with contentment.
It's calm. Peaceful.
A peaceful euphoria.
When all's right with my world, I'm on top of it.
Blissful.

Here's a worthy goal:
Create more bliss
for myself and others.

Being unique

2012-01-14T07:38:00.000-05:00

Always remember that you are absolutely unique.
Just like everyone else.
Margaret Mead

Love this pointed reminder to find the individual beauty in others.

She danced on this earth

2012-01-13T09:44:00.008-05:00

Last weekend I went for a walk in a beautiful park with a longtime friend who has faced major health challenges in recent years. She told me she'd given some advice to another friend facing a similar challenge: "Make every day count." As we walked past a small stream, we talked about how important living our best lives was.

That conversation stuck with me for days.

Yesterday I woke to news that a Tampa friend of almost 20 years, a former colleague, a woman my age, had lost her four-year battle with cancer. It was a battle she faced head on and fought with all her considerable might.

While D's friends and family in Tampa talked and supported each other back east, the same was happening over the 3,000 miles that separates me from my Tampa community. Friends called and emailed to reminisce and be sure I'd heard the news. Tampa's a small community and D. was well-known and well-loved.

In the four years since her diagnosis and during many grueling rounds of treatment, D. epitomized "make every day count." She was already a successful entrepreneur, a community leader and a devoted mother. But in these final years, she lived that advice--make every day count--completely and wholly. She faced the end of her life on earth with great courage and grace.

I was amazed at her positive attitude toward her terminal illness and we corresponded a bit about that. "Oh, I have my down days," she wrote. "But I try to shake them off."

How a person lives says a lot about who they are. But how they die says just as much.

In a little over a week, I'll be in Tampa, raising a cup of coffee with mutual friends in honor of D. and reminisicing. I hope D's loved ones are comforted by the faith that, as Patti Smith so beautifully expresses, paths that cross will cross again.
video

Speak to me
Speak to me heart
I feel a needing
to bridge the clouds
Softly go
A way I wish to know
A way I wish to know

Oh you'll ride
Surely dance
In a ring
Backwards and forwards
Those who seek
feel the glow
A glow we will all know
A glow we will all know

On that day
Filled with grace
And the heart's communion
Steps we take
Steps we trace
Into the light of reunion

Paths that cross
will cross again
Paths that cross
will cross again

Speak to me
Speak to me shadow
I spin from the wheel
nothing at all
Save the need
the need to weave
A silk of souls
that whisper whisper
A silk of souls
that whispers to me

Speak to me heart
all things renew
hearts will mend
round the bend
Paths that cross
cross again
Paths that cross
will cross again

Rise up hold the reins
We'll meet again I don't know when
Hold tight bye bye
Paths that cross
will cross again
Paths that cross
Will cross again

The gift of love

2012-01-12T02:40:00.000-05:00

Curly Girl Designs

We're just past the gift-giving season and for some of us, it's a big relief.
Maybe this year we felt like we couldn't give as much.
Or enough.
Because times are tough.

But here's the secret:

The best gift of all,
the one that means the most,
is free.

That gift is love
and you can give it
any time you like.

Because you can always afford it.
It's abundant.

The spy who flew in from the cold

2012-01-11T10:33:00.005-05:00

I told you I had another story, and here it is.

Tallahassee was and still is a very small town, but somehow, my best stories involve things that happened around flights I was taking back to Tallahassee, usually from Washington, D.C. And maybe that's the key. Washington, D.C.

I've traveled a whole lot, but I've never had as many interesting things happen on trips as happened to me around 1979.You may remember THIS story about John Le Carre.

Here's another story, almost as as good as my John LeCarre` tale:

The flight was from Atlanta to Tallahassee, and I'd connected there on my way home from Washington, D.C. Eastern Airlines flew the route and I was seated in coach next to a tall, thin gentleman in a suit, wearing clear-rimmed eyeglasses and neatly combed hair. He looked familiar.

We struck up a conversation on the 45-minute flight, something I rarely do any more with seatmates. I can't even remember what we talked about, but I do remember that he was very nice. But damn, he looked familiar.

Every so often, I'd say, "You know, you look so familiar. Do you work for DOA?" At the time I worked for the State of Florida's Department of Administration and thought perhaps I'd run into him in the halls.

"I might have," he said, with a small smile.

We continued to talk as the plane made its final approach. He was such a nice man. I racked my brain. Where did I know him from?

Finally as we were landing, I said, "It really is driving me crazy that I feel like I've seen you before."

"Well, Carol," he said. "I'm William Colby."

William Colby was the director of the CIA from 1971 to 1975, capping a long career in intelligence. He was a devout Roman Catholic, a noted liberal and a fascinating man. How many people get to sit down and talk at length with a former spy? Who headed up the CIA?

I wished I'd realized who he was sooner: a missed opportunity for a more significant conversation.

When I regained my wits, I offered him a ride to his hotel (I would've loved to have seen M's face if I'd showed up at the car with William Colby), he said he was covered and we said our goodbyes and both vanished into the north Florida night.

Just like in a spy movie.

One thing you can fake. In fact, you SHOULD fake it.

2012-01-10T10:36:00.003-05:00

What if you sat down for coffee with a girlfriend and she started the conversation by telling you that she'd identified 16 universal principles for happiness and success?

It would make an interesting discussion, wouldn't it? That's what it's like to read The Diva Doctrine: 16 Universal Principles Every Woman Needs to Know? by Patricia V. Davis.

Maybe she'd start out by telling you that you are 10 times prettier than you think you are, no matter how pretty you think you are. I'll bet she'd tell you why that's true.

And maybe she'd tell you that the only thing you should be faking is confidence. And then tell you why, and exactly how to do it without coming off as arrogant.

I think you'd like this book. Want to win a free copy? Patricia is making one or two copies available as prizes in a contest. To enter, go to yesterday's contest post HERE. Comment on that post. Or, on my Facebook post. Or my Google+ post.

One lucky winner --two if we have at least 20 entrants--will be drawn randomly this Sunday.

Here's the question:

If you could go back in time
and tell your younger self only ONE thing,
what would it be?

Grown up women: share your wisdom with other readers....and good luck! Click to answer in comments section HERE, or post on my Facebook or Google+ posts. Oh, and be sure you have an email address (or email me one) so if you're chosen, I can find you!

*PS No, I'm not getting paid to do this. I'm doing it because I want you to have this very good advice. And to think about what YOU have to offer other women--what are YOUR success factors?

*PPS Once you've responded, check out what other women have said on earlier posts. Just scroll to yesterday.

The cost of safety

2012-01-10T02:44:00.001-05:00

A beautiful scarlet bird in a cage. We'll never see a flash of scarlet across a blue sky. Or perched on a branch.

This bird's safe.

But at what cost?

Have you chosen safety over excitement? Over fulfillment?

How's that working for you?

Or, a better question: what's it costing you?

CONTEST * WIN A COPY OF THE DIVA DOCTRINE

2012-01-09T14:33:00.002-05:00

Got wisdom to share?

And for sharing it, want to win a copy of The Diva Doctrine: 16 Universal Principles Every Woman Needs to Know? by Patricia V. Davis, rockin' author and Middle-aged-Diva blog reader.

Yep. She reads this very blog, same as you.

Easy. Just answer this question below on this blog. Or, on Facebook. Or Google+.

One lucky winner will be drawn randomly this Sunday.

Unless we have 20 or more entrants, in which case Patricia will make TWO copies available--TWO winners.

Here's the question:

If you could go back in time
and tell your younger self only ONE thing,
what would it be?

Answer in comments section below, on Facebook or Google+.

Why do you want this book? I'll tell you why: its message about developing confidence and self-esteem is so good it has resonated with readers in a big way: it got 4.5 stars on Amazon, in fact.

I was shocked at the number of younger women I met at BlogHer last summer who openly discussed how their serious self-esteem issues limit their lives. Is there a young woman in your life who might feel the same way--even if she doesn't talk so openly about it?

This is a book you will want to read, give to your teenage daughter, granddaughter, younger friends, peers--Patricia breaks it down with humor, insight and compassion and I agree with everything she says. That's my copy in the photo above.

Share your wisdom with other readers....and good luck! (sorry for the duplicate post, long story)

Drinking, the Pope & John Le Carre

2012-01-09T09:36:00.001-05:00

Like most people who have been around a long time ---actually, who have been around, period -- I have a few stories, tales to tell, things that happened a long time ago.

The memory of one came back the other day, when I saw the movie made of John LeCarre's Tinker, Tailor etc and I'm going to tell it for no other reason that it makes no sense at all.

It was the fall of 1979 and I was living in Tallahassee, Fla., the state capitol, and traveling to our nation's capital often for business. Sitting in the airport in Washington D.C. one afternoon, I was scribbling on a yellow pad to pass the time before my flight. It might have been something for work or it might have been a journal entry; it was a long time ago and I don't remember exactly.

A disheveled man in a stained and wrinkled black raincoat carrying a battered brown leather briefcase caught my attention as he walked unsteadily across the gate and sat himself down one seat away from me. The pungent smell of alcohol wafted across my personal space. People seated nearby got up and moved to seats further away.

Why does this always happen to me? I wondered. Out of the corner of my eye I saw him open his briefcase. In it were some papers and a hairbrush, one of those white boar-bristled kinds you might find on a vanity. He pawed through them, muttering to himself. I looked back down at my yellow pad.

Then, he spoke: "Are you a writer? I see you are writing."

I looked up. He was addressing me.

"I am," I said, turning back to my writing pad to discourage him.

"I'm a writer, too," he said, slurring his words. He was definitely tipsy. Everyone else at the gate was avoiding eye contact with him.

I looked up again and gave him a small smile.

"Here," he said, pulling out some stapled pages from his leather bag. He handed them to me. "I'm working on this."

I glanced at them. The title had the word "Hegemony" in it, and that's all I remember. Mostly because at the time, I had no idea what it meant. I handed him back the pages.

"I'm John Le Carre′," he said, stuffing the pages back in his valise.

I smiled again, thinking to myself, right, and I'm the Queen of England.

"Actually, that's not my real name. My real name is David Cornwell."

He was still talking to me. This guy would not be shaken.

Oh, just go with it, I told myself. He's probably a drunk academic, and that's a scholarly paper he just showed you.

"Really." I said it more as a statement than a question.

"Yes, and I just got out of jail," he told me.

I'm sure you did, I thought.

"I threatened to kill the Pope."

I perked up. Pope John Paul II was visiting D.C. The White House to be exact.

"Really?" This time it was a question.

"Yes, they put me in jail because I threatened to kill him."

"They did, huh." Now he had my full attention. Before I could ask the obvious question--why? -- he spoke again:

"Do you know who Laurence Rockefeller is?" He pulled his raincoat closer around his body.

"I do."

"He's a friend of mine. I had to call him to get me out of jail. And so I got out and here I am. I'm going to visit him now." He snapped his case shut.

"That's good." I said. Ha! I thought. I'll bet Laurence Rockefeller would love to know this nutcase.

Just then, my flight was called. I stood, nodded a goodbye and headed toward the doorway. Poor delusional guy, I thought as I found my seat on the Eastern Airlines jet.

Perhaps a month later I was in another airport. Passing a newsstand, I saw a familiar face on the cover of a magazine on display. It was the drunk guy I'd seen in the D.C. airport.

I zig-zagged into the shop and grabbed the magazine off the rack.The cover story was about Smiley's People, which had just been published that year. Inside was a profile of the man I'd met. I scanned it.

"John Le Carre′ is his pen name, but his real name is David Cornwell," it said.

And me? I must be the Queen of England, after all.

CONTEST COMING!*

2012-01-08T20:01:00.008-05:00

A really great author of a well-regarded book offering words of wisdom to empower women -- young, old and in between-- has given me a great idea for a contest.... and her fabulous book will be the prize!

If there are at least 20 entries, she'll offer two books, not just one.

I'm just putting you all on the alert today that a contest is coming and you definitely should enter.

Because this is one book you will want to read and give to a young woman you know.

In fact, I hope a couple young women readers enter this contest. Yes, you, missy down south. And you, missy who empowers young children for a living on the East Coast. And you, who have teenage daughters. And yes, you, too, grandparents!

You should all enter the contest because you want this book. Stay tuned!

*This is what is called a "teaser". I always hated them when I worked in marketing.

The peace of Buddhism

2012-01-08T00:25:00.000-05:00

Sheltered by a forest of huge, old redwoods, the Land of Medicine Buddha held me in its calm embrace. I arrived at dusk by way of a narrow winding road with barely enough space for a single car. Even though the sun was almost ready to set, I couldn’t see it for the canopy of green. A lovely place for a self-retreat.

The silence felt sacred. A few signs encouraged visitors to keep their voices down and except for one shrill little bark that sounded suspiciously like Riley (but wasn’t), there was not a sound.

A large, colorful prayer wheel covered with mantras sat in the small main plaza. The temptation to spin it got the best of me, and I sent out my intentions to bless all sentient beings. Despite the chilly air and looming darkness, a Buddhist nun was working on an even bigger one nearby.

Accommodations were on the spartan side of comfortable, adequate for a writing retreat. Yurt #12, where I stayed, was not really a yurt at all. It was a tiny room, one of maybe eight in a wooden building warmed by individual space heaters. There were two twin beds (one on which I put my stuff) and a small writing desk and chair that I requested in advance. During the day, a skylight brought in sunshine but at night, I wrote by a couple of dim reading lamps, using the single overhead eyeball fixture when needed. No phone. No cell coverage. No internet. No TV.

No distractions.

My friend and I went to a meditation the first night. As we waited outside in the cold night air, we each spun the prayer wheel, sending our blessings and intentions out to the world.

The meditation room was spectacular, awash in coral, green, blue and gold. So much gold! Beautiful little lamps shaped like lotuses lined several walls and above them, eight gilt Medicine Buddhas kept watch, emanating vibrations for health and healing. Water bowl offerings and artificial flowers in all colors of the rainbow added to the exotic ambience.

We are not so different after all, went the second meditation of the hour. Our meditation leader encouraged us to think of how friends/enemies/strangers can shift roles even in the same day, and to acknowledge those who have helped us along our paths. The Buddhist concept is equanimity.

Afterwards, we unpacked our picnic dinners and ate in my room, sharing vegetables, cashews and whatever else we had with us. We talked a little about writing and about our meditation.

I learned to meditate many years ago; my teacher was a former Buddhist monk who lives and works just a few miles away in Santa Cruz. I still use his meditations on CD, when I think to sit. In Tampa, friends and I occasionally went to a drop-in meditation. We loved it. But then I moved and my life grew to include a full-time husband and pets. Meditation fell by the wayside, like so many things do after a big life transition. I'd like to get back to regular practice.

Outside, the air was penetratingly cold and the black night sky was awash with stars, glittering, tempting us to think about what lay beyond. On the mountain, the stars don’t have to compete with the artificial lights of the nighttime city skyline. We don't have to compete, either; we all glitter in our own way.

Inside, the space heater made my room cozy and I slept well that first night.

After a breakfast of cereal and fruit in the dining room, we returned to our rooms and wrote. But after a few hours of work, a hike up the hill beckoned, and we headed toward the 8 Verses Trail. It was a fairly steep climb.

Shrines and statues appeared every so often, giving us a reason to pause and catch our breath. Hikers had left many kinds of offerings: coins, a miniature skateboard, a small gold turtle, a candy cane, a rabies tag. Each trinket had a story, I knew, but my head was full of my own writing and I didn’t want distract myself by thinking about what they might be.

At first, I was sorry that I hadn’t thought to bring a camera, but then quickly realized that taking photos would have ruined the moment. It was enough to preserve what I saw in my memory and recall it whenever I want.

At the Wish Fulfillment Temple, a gigantic Buddha served as backdrop for another, smaller Buddha. No matter how we worship, the importance and comfort of rituals are obvious. My friend, also born Catholic, and I talked about fundamentalists, and how hard it is to believe that any deity would send the majority of the world’s population to hell because they weren’t a member of a single club.

No, I don’t think it matters how we worship, only that we do acknowledge that a supreme entity has made us all. Maybe, as my husband thinks, it’s a watchmaker God who winds it up and lets it run without intervening. Or maybe it’s someone else. But I am as convinced as ever that it’s an inclusive Deity and not an exclusive one.

Lunch was a simple but tasty meal: hearty and delicious root vegetable dish and tender greens with mushrooms and onions. Then, back to writing.

At home there are a million distractions to tempt me: Riley wants to go outside, the phone rings, Little He howls for attention, I see the DVR taping and check to see what it is, books sit waiting, M. wants to talk, there’s a meal to prepare. But it’s far easier to focus when I'm sitting in the stillness of a redwood forest. And then, too soon, it's over.

So what did I take away from my short retreat? Some 6,000 words and some support work for my book, but beyond that I brought back the realization that I needed to create a more peaceful writing space. That a place needed to found for everything in my office and that most of it should be out of sight. This kind of work takes a clear mind and a clear mind requires a clear space.

I am not known for being a clear space kind of girl.

I’m not sure when I’ll return to this magical place, or even if I will. But I know that I’ll carry the Medicine Buddha with me from now on.

Brahma Viharas:

May all sentient beings have happiness and its causes,
May all sentient beings be free of suffering and its causes,
May all sentient beings never be separated from bliss without suffering,
May all sentient beings be in equanimity, free of bias, attachment and anger.

Shelter from any storm

2012-01-07T10:43:00.003-05:00

Curly Girl Designs

It seems so obvious, doesn't it?
And yet, how often do we mess it up?
Or take it for granted?

A good friend gave me a plaque this year that says
Friendship is a sheltering tree.
I agree.
The love of real friends provides a refuge from any storm.

Romantic love is like the sheltering sky.
It envelops us entirely
and under its umbrella, it's safe to be our best self.
And our worst.

Love like that is worth taking care of.
Because it really is our greatest fortune.

Sharpen your colored pencils

2012-01-06T08:12:00.001-05:00

Sharpen the colored pencils,
it's time to get to work,
to draw your 2012 life with decisive lines,
in bright hues,
and
with a firm grip.

CONTEST: WIN A COPY OF THE DIVA DOCTRINE

2012-01-05T17:01:00.018-05:00

If you could go back in time
and tell your younger self only ONE thing,
what would it be?

Mean girls, jealousy & Downton Abbey

2012-01-05T00:56:00.006-05:00

The sisters on Downton Abbey: left to right: Lady Edith, Lady Sybil and Lady Mary.

A terrific British miniseries, Downton Abbey, was replayed on PBS Masterpiece the other day.

Downton Abbey is much like the beloved old series, Upstairs Downstairs, only the characters are much nastier. Both upstairs and down.

I love period pieces that take us back to a different day and time and give us a chance to reflect on what's different now. And what's the same.

On Downton Abbey, I was struck in particular by the middle sister, Lady Edith. Edith feels she's been overshadowed by her older sister, Mary. Out of jealousy, she ruined Mary's prospects at marriage by sending a letter revealing that her sister had perhaps....well, let's say.... "not been virtuous." In Edwardian times, a woman's virtue was important to her marital prospects and if a woman's marital prospects were ruined, so was her life.

So Lady Edith was the ultimate Edwardian mean girl.

This is a seriously mean-girl scenario. It's familiar to me and maybe to you, too.

It's a sad fact, but true nonetheless, that there are people in this world who do not wish us well.
Maybe, like Lady Edith, they compare themselves to us and our perceived abundance reinforces their perceived lack.

So, what are we do to do with those who attempt to actively work against us?

Lady Edith's sister, Mary, took revenge, as in an eye for an eye. She managed to keep Edith from getting a marriage proposal Edith really wanted. But revenge is nasty business, in my opinion, and that kind of negative energy just isn't worth it.

So what to do?

I read something the other day that seemed like a better way. When we encounter someone who means us harm, it advised, we should treat them as though it were their last hour on earth. Compassionately. Because negative energy really is a disease. Destructive.

I like that idea a lot.

And for some reason, a passage from the Desiderata keeps coming to mind:

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Yes. Always.

So don't sweat it.

Oh, and P.S.: Season Two of Downtown Abbey starts this weekend. It's set on my DVR.

Be silly today

2012-01-04T11:19:00.000-05:00

Ok, I haven't done studies.
And Curly Girl Designs (above) probably hasn't, either.

But what we and they know is that we don't play enough.
Or laugh enough.

The most fabulous sound in the world is that of
a young child laughing.
That pure joy is almost always elicited by silliness.
On someone's part.

We lose some of that when we grow up.
We become more concerned with image
and appearances.
Being professional.
Mature.

If we're lacking joy in our lives,
we probably aren't silly enough.

Today would be a good day to do something silly.
Try it!
And report back, ok?

Proof that we're living with love

2012-01-03T09:39:00.004-05:00

Tears by Greg High

Tears are the fruit of the soul.*

I cry.
I cry at sad movies.
At homeless people.
At animal cruelty.
During hymns at mass.
At the end of Silent Night.

When things touch me deeply, I cry.
So when someone I know wrote
this to me in an email,
I got it.

Tears prove that we are living with soul.
And living with soul (and love) is what it's all about.

{*Thank you, B, for that thought.}

A day in the city by the bay

2012-01-02T08:35:00.005-05:00

Sister-diva arrived from Bakersfield on Friday and as part of our visit, we couldn't resist a drive to San Francisco on New Year's Eve. We hit up the Ferry Building and then had some brunch at The Plant Cafe on the Embarcadero. Best of all, I found a great parking lot for next time I'm in the City. Which is at least every week, if not more often. And since it was New Year's Eve:Wine store all decked out on New Year's Eve.
At the Ferry Building, an entire stand devoted to funghi of all kinds. Beautiful. A fancier outlet than I've seen in mushroom-loving Italy, but the mushrooms were fresh and gorgeous. Then we took a nice long walk in the sunshine to Fisherman's Wharf.
Iconic San Francisco duo: Ghirardelli and cable cars.
Oh, before I forget: There were actually three people texting at this table of four for breakfast in San Francisco. The third one is next to the guy and you can just make out her hand. No one was engaged in conversation, three were staring at their phones and tap-tap-tapping. The other was trying every so often to converse. I couldn't help but wonder what they were missing by not enjoying the pleasure of each other's company. Sorry, Miss Manners would NOT approve. In someone's company, put away the phone.
Can you imagine buying mini-donuts by the bucket? They didn't even look that good.
Fisherman's Wharf specialty.
However, this would be a great palliative for life's boo-boos. Love it.
Even better: gorgeous, blue-sky days in the city by the bay. Who wouldn't love San Francisco?

Begin today

2012-01-02T07:58:00.000-05:00

Kelly Rae Roberts

We've turned the page.
Will a new life story start today?

New Year's Day in Capitola

2012-01-01T20:54:00.018-05:00

It was so warm and gorgeous, we decided to drive over to Capitola Beach for lunch and a quick visit with a friend. Getting out of the car, we heard music. Could it be...ukeleles? What a happy sound! I took video; take a listen:

A beautiful, sunny beach day for the first day of the new year, see below:
Even gulls want to look good on the beach. This one groomed himself for a bit.
What a sweet idea: tiles painted with children's drawings along the beach wall.

What most people think of when we say "California beach."
Iconic beach restaurant sign:
Beach ecology is important:
Capitola and I share more than two decades of memories. This has always been one of my very favorite places on the beach.
Beach-lovers are lovingly memorialized on the Capitola Wharf.
"He danced on these waters..."
We are reminded that the ocean -- and nature itself--are infinite. And so are we.

Happy new year to my readers!

2012-01-01T00:00:00.001-05:00

Curly Girl Designs

To everyone who reads the Diva:
whether it's every day or every once in a while;
whether you comment below on the blog, on Facebook,
in an email or just in your head;
whether you agree or don't agree--
YOU ALL ROCK!
Happy new year to each and every one of you.

I have some of the smartest,
most interesting and thoughtful readers in the web-verse.

I love to hear from you
and I especially love for you to share your own experiences
and thoughts here on the blog, so others can learn from them.

Several of you who came into my life as Diva's readers
have already become great friends, as in
out-to-lunch or come-for-the-weekend.
Yes, from online here to real-time.
And we talk about all the things I blog about
and more.
Because life holds issues and answers for us all.

So, thank you for reading.
For commenting.
Come back soon.
And often.

And here's to getting to meet more of you in 2012!

Resolutions, intentions & possibilities

2011-12-31T00:22:00.003-05:00

I'm not a big believer in New Year's Resolutions, at least not usually.
They can be a setup for failure.

But I do believe in setting intentions,
whether it's just before the calendar page turns to a new year
or any other day.

January 1, 2012 will be no different than any other tomorrow.
Because every day brings with it a chance for a fresh start.

If your habit is to set intentions or make resolutions tonight,
by all means, do it.

But if it isn't, rest assured that every time the calendar page turns
we can choose to live our lives differently.

That's 365 chances each year.

And in a leap year, even another chance.

Finding beauty

2011-12-30T08:37:00.001-05:00

Altered Gypsy

Where do I even start with this?
I won't even.
Just the observation that beauty can be found in the most unlikely places.

Dealing with loss

2011-12-29T11:08:00.001-05:00

Sunflower Sadness 4 Mother by Michael G. Moore

I closed the box and put it in a closet.
There is no real way to deal with
everything we lose.
-Joan Didion

Well, so, this is the thing: when we suffer a loss, it's not unusual to obsess about it. We massage it. We work it like a tongue fidgeting at a chipped tooth. We carry it like a brick in our pocket, always present, weighing us down.

We do this for as long as we have to. As long as it takes.

Maybe until, as Didion says, we realize there is no real way to deal with everything we lose. And then, like faded photographs and old mementos, we put our loss in a box and place it in a closet.

We can take it out any time we like. Even run our fingers over it.

But deal with it?

Maybe that's just asking too much.

Just get it on the page

2011-12-28T07:41:00.000-05:00

Waiting for the pen to dry up
so she can start fresh
with thoughts that are worth new ink.
~Storypeople

Figuratively speaking of course,
because no one writes in ink anymore.

The Buddha Doctor is IN

2011-12-27T10:14:00.000-05:00

I'm going to the Land of Medicine Buddha today. Doesn't that sound restful?

It's a wooded retreat in the Santa Cruz Mountains and will be a peaceful writing environment for a few days. A friend who also writes has the room next door. We'll write, talk about our work and stroll through the retreat's redwood forest.

The property is green, shaded, lovely, with a meandering path called the Eight Verses Pilgrimage Trail. Verses are posted every so often along the trail and above inviting teakwood benches where we can sit and contemplate what we've read.

Two meals will be provided at an additional cost: vegetarian and organic. Substances are forbidden, as is killing of any kind, including of bugs. The accommodations are spare, but not way too rustic.

The reading and writing part of this two-night retreat is appealing. But I'm hoping that the Medicine Buddha does even more for me.

Medicine Buddha is an enlightened being who has unbiased compassion for all living beings. He protects them form physical and mental sickness and other dangers and obstacles, and helps them to eradicate the three poisons--attachment, hatred and ignorance--which are the source of all sickness and danger. He is a Buddha Doctor. -Geshe Kelsang Gyatso

No, I'm not sick. And I've come a long way with a few troubling personal issues. But still, there's always something that nags at each of us, that troubles us, and I'm no different.

How wonderful to sit in a gentle place of healing for a little while. A place of colorful prayer flags and spinning prayer wheels. Where silence heals and in that healing, opens hearts.

S0-good-for-you green drink: YUMMM!

2011-12-26T09:14:00.002-05:00

Have you overindulged? Or are you trying to eat more healthfully?

Trainer Chris talked me into drinking this once a day. He calls it Green Drink. I try not to call it Swill.

It's definitely a healthy beverage and is more or less palatable, depending on what you put in it. I know you're just DYING for the recipe, right?

Here's how he wanted me to make it:

Juice from one lemon (if using a blender)
or one whole lemon (if using a juicer)

Half an avocado
Half a cucumber
1 or 2 celery stalks
1 cup of raw spinach
2 cups water

Ok, so I couldn't get it all down. It made at least 3 cups or more of swill and it was so lemony my lips puckered so shut I looked like a Real Housewife of Beverly Hills. You might like the lemony taste, though, so try it his way first.

Don't think too much about what's in it or you might not get it down.

So next time, I adapted it as follows:

No lemon
Half an avocado
Half a cucumber
1 celery stalk
1 cup of raw spinach
2 cups water
One-third banana
3/4 of a sweet apple

Definitely more palatable. But you should know Trainer Chris frowns on the fruit. Too much sugar.

So the third time I reduced the apple to 1/3. Not quite as good. It made 4 cups. I got almost 3 down.

Oh, and don't worry about the spinach. It has no taste at all, honest.

Trainer Chris and his henchman, Trainer Aaron, maintain that you can train your taste buds to think this stuff is good. Trainer Aaron insists it tastes sweet to him, and he omits the fruit completely. Except for lemon.

I'm not there yet.

Who said getting healthy would be easy?

Merry to all

2011-12-25T10:18:00.003-05:00

A blessed Christmas to my loved ones and my wonderful readers, near and far. And to all a good night.

Dogs plotting Christmas revenge. My dogs.

2011-12-24T21:16:00.012-05:00

I'm just not sure these antlers are me.

How the hell am I supposed to wear these?

No, I did NOT get into the spiked eggnog!

Man's best friend, my ass.

All right, all right, if I have to.

Don't worry, Little He. They go to sleep early.
And payback is hell.

Sound of the season: Christmas Canon in D

2011-12-24T20:38:00.001-05:00

Pachelbel's beautiful, baroque Canon in D* reminds me of weddings, funerals and my ex, B. But Transiberian Orchestra's Christmas version reminds me of just that: Christmas. Especially Christmas Eve. Enjoy!

Transiberian Orchestra/Christmas Canon

*composed in the late 1600s but only discovered in the 20th century. It was first published in 1919. Incredible.

No room at the inn

2011-12-24T10:47:00.001-05:00

Our Christmas tree sits festively in a corner of the living room, decorated and lit.

Underneath are a handful of packages from distant friends and family, but tonight, we'll be opening no gifts for one another this season.

Instead, we'll sit by the fire and think about the people we've helped with the money we would have spent on one another this holiday. It's our new tradition. And I love it.

I'm also happy to see that so many of my friends have done the same thing.

By helping others, we really are reaching out to people who could find "no room at the inn." It's the true spirit of the season and this year, it's been infectious.

May you all have a joyous Christmas.

Cute Christmas puppies

2011-12-24T00:00:00.000-05:00

Total cute overload: Video of puppies at Christmas.
Maybe this will be the scene at your house tomorrow?

Christmas in San Francisco

2011-12-23T00:05:00.002-05:00

I was raised in Currier & Ives country, white Christmases and all. By the time I was 21, though, I was off to sunnier pastures and Christmases without cold and snow.

Here in the San Francisco Bay area, our weather cools significantly, but snow is quite rare; there's only a dusting that quickly melts, if we get it at all. No matter, it's still Christmas, and here's a song that tells you what it's like.

Barry Devorzon/ Christmastime in San Francisco

Missing mom

2011-12-22T09:17:00.003-05:00

Santa Maria Porcello Cassara
August 27, 1925 - December 22, 1999

I know you're not really gone,
but the world definitely seems smaller.

I continue to live the life
you would have loved to have had.
Think of you and miss you every single day.

still falling for her

The phlox in the jar is softening,
from the sphere of it a blossom flutters,
and the whole sagging thing makes me think
of my mother’s flesh, when she was elderly, and it was
wilting, keeping its prettiness
in its old-fangled gentleness.
It’s as if I’m falling in love, again,
with my mother, through the gallowsglass of my
own oncoming elderliness, as if,
now that she has been gone from the earth
as many years as a witch’s familiar
has lives, I can catch glimpses of my mother, at
moments when she was alone with herself, and would
pick up her pen, and her Latinate
vocabulary, and describe what it
was like, on their last cruise, when she rose,
by invitation, from the captain’s table,
and stood beside the black, grand
Steinway, in the open ocean,
and sang. I do not need a picture to
remind me of the look on my mom’s
face, when she sang—extreme yearning,
a yearning out at the edge of what was
socially acceptable
on a ship like that, and you could also see
how happy her face was, to be looked at,
and you could see her listening to her own voice,
to hear if it started to go flat, or anything
she needed to do to get the music
to its hearers intact as itself, I am falling,
and I do not feel that there are rocks, below,
I think I may go on falling, like my own
flesh, for the rest of my life, and maybe I’ll
still be falling for my mother after
my death—or not falling but orbiting,
with her, and maybe we’ll take turns
who is the moon, and who is the earth.
~Sharon Olds

The Madonna is the uber-mother of Catholics and a big part of Catholic rituals. Ave Maria was my mother's favorite sung prayer. It's only fitting, since Mom was named after the Virgin Mary; her name translates literally as Saint Mary.

The German version embedded below is absolutely gorgeous. Her parish priest told me that it wasn't suitable for her funeral Mass, but grudgingly agreed to it for late in Mass. {This is my problem with organized religion: would it have killed him to have just said "yes"?}

Turn up your volume and enjoy the peace of this lovely hymn.

Ave Maria video

The direct English translation from Schubert's German is lovely. It differs significantly from the Hail Mary we know. Here it is:

Ave Maria! Maiden mild,
Heed your children's prayers,
In the valley of tears, be our shield
Let my prayer waft to you.
We sleep safely until morning,
Your cloak of stars covers us.
O Maiden, see our worries,
O give peace to our hearts!
Ave Maria!
Ave Maria! Pure maidservant!
We want to trust in you faithfully
You, sweet maiden, undaunted
Full of hope, to you gaze upward,
And calmly bend God's Will to us,
That your holy solace may drift to us.
O Maiden, full of grace, tend to us
The child, that suppliantly entreats you.
Ave Maria!

A Silicon Valley Christmas card

2011-12-21T14:20:00.000-05:00

Relationship success depends on....

2011-12-21T00:14:00.006-05:00

Who teaches us the artful give and take in intimate relationships?
No one, at least not explicitly.
We learn those things from watching others, usually our parents.
And we do them, ourselves, with a greater or lesser degree of success, depending on how effective our role models are.

Our role models aren't usually that effective. That's why so many of us struggle with this aspect of our romantic relationships.

I read this, the other day:

Intimate negotiations involve adjustment,
compromise, integrity, truthtelling,
options, willingess and heartfull listening,

-Sark

That's a tall order.

But when I saw the list, I knew exactly why some of my relationships failed.

Sark had it right for most relationships. When they don't work, it's usually because one or both partners fails on one or more of the activities listed above. A relationship rises and falls on the ability --and willingness--of both partners to negotiate.

The list is a good test for any relationship, and certainly puts areas for improvement in sharp relief.

What 21st century good kids get for Christmas

2011-12-20T10:21:00.005-05:00

This is kind of funny.

In a 21st century, California kind of way.

Solitude regenerates

2011-12-20T08:15:00.000-05:00

So maybe he is a little extreme.

But there's healing power in solitude.

Once you lose someone

2011-12-19T00:14:00.007-05:00

Once you lose someone,
it's never exactly the same person
who comes back.
-Sharon Olds

After my mother died, I had dreams
(or were they thoughts?) about her.
In them, she was someone unfamiliar,
with whom I was awkward.
It was as if she were someone completely different.
Someone with whom I didn't know how to interact.

But in the physical world, sometimes
it's not the that the person is different,
it's that the relationship is different.
Time, water under the bridge, our own changes--
they all impact a friendship or a relationship dynamic.

And while it's tempting to think this is about my husband, it isn't.
He is exactly the same as he was when we parted in 1980
and I am not kidding.
Exactly.
Not common.
But a fact.

Faith, belief & religion

2011-12-18T10:04:00.013-05:00

Can you prove
any of the stuff you believe in?
my son asked me
& when I said
that's not how belief works,
he nodded & said
that's what he thought
but he was just checking
to make sure
he hadn't missed a key point.
~Storypeople

It's taken me a long time to learn what I believe in, I said to one of my wise mentors the other day, a woman with much life experience. She nodded with understanding.

It wasn't that I heard a sermon or read the Bible or succumbed to exortations to "be saved!" It wasn't like that at all, not for me.

It seems like one day in my 50s I woke up and saw that all of the input I'd had along the way--reading, church, personal experience, conversations with friends--had coalesced into something that I firmly believed. You might say the Holy Spirit sneaked up on me and hit me with its magic wand.

I wasn't really sure what I believed. Never really thought that much about it, either. Then, this belief thing, this faith, tiptoed up and ambushed me --without conscious awareness on my part. But the processing was going on all along, just like a computer program that running invisibly in the background.

I was born into a religion but not a faith. Catholic rituals are comforting in their familiarity, but the belief structure itself just never took and I've always considered myself more of an ethnic Catholic than anything else. Other organized religions were an uncomfortable fit. {and still are}

Here's what I believe: that it doesn't matter how we worship. Or what we call a deity. Or how we even think of one. The details of our faith are unimportant. What is important is that we believe and that we live our lives with love. Because life doesn't just stop; there is something after and we are going to look back at this place and time. It would be good to be able to do that without cringing. {at least not too much}

Rather than force it, if we leave ourselves room enough, and time, we come to what we believe to be true.

I'm awed at how that works.

The Mad Hatter was very wise.

2011-12-17T00:01:00.002-05:00

The path to love

2011-12-16T03:13:00.001-05:00

The door to my heart opens inward.
I move through forgiveness to love.
-Louise Hays

Un-American Christian group attacks All-American Muslim show

2011-12-15T09:17:00.004-05:00

Suehaila, cast member All-American Muslim

"Christianity is just hatred in disguise."
-a Christian young person I know

Some random religious fringe group in Tampa (of all places) called The Florida Family Association (don't you love the name?) is pressuring advertisers to withdraw air time bought on the reality show, All-American Muslim. Apparently, its commitment to traditional, biblical values makes it uniquely qualified to determine that the show possesses a "hidden Islamic agenda."

Of course, FFA conveniently forgets all the real Christian values. You know, "love thy neighbor," "forgiveness," etc. And apparently they believe that all Muslims adhere to this so-called hidden agenda. Just like Jews killing Christ. Who was also a Jew. Twisted reasoning.

Before I watched the TV show, I knew very little about Muslims in America. The window the show provides taught me about their world --and about Islam in general. It's probably done more to dispel myth than anything in recent years.

Shockingly, home improvement chain Lowe's capitulated to the FFA "pressure." Not very American of Lowe's, now, is it? Apparently its management has forgotten that America was founded by people seeking religious freedom. Check the history books, fellas.

But then again, so many religious fundamentalists think religious freedom is their right and theirs alone. Others should not have the right to worship differently, they think. They should be converted or "saved."

Lowe's says that boycotts by those who believe it shouldn't have pulled the ads will just be a temporary blip on its sales. Sadly, they're probably right. Still, it won't get my business again, that's for sure. Management also made a lame press statement about how much emotion this show generates "on both sides." It fell flat, as it should have. You can't play it both ways, Lowe's.

The good news is that ad time on the show is now sold out, and that wealthy hip-hop mogul Russell Simmons stepped up and said he'll buy up any remaining time. Kudos, Mr. Simmons, for putting your money where your mouth is. Fortunately, the show's ad time SOLD OUT. YES. And kudos to Campbell Soup, Sears and Bank of America for not knuckling under to these crazies.

It's telling that the young person I quoted above sees the hatred being perpetuated by some of these so-called religious groups.

Unlike my young friend, I don't believe that all Christianity is based on hatred, but some Christians behave as if it is, and that sickens me.

The Hall of Shame today for:

Lowe's, which has knuckled under to
Bigots represented by
The so-called Florida Family Association and
Fundamentalists who want to quash other religions

Click HERE for more details. As for me, well, I'll find alternatives to shopping at bigoted Lowe's. I've done this before with a retail outlet whose sales pitch to me was political rather than consumerist, and I'll do it with Lowe's. Maybe just a blip, but at least I feel I'm doing something.

This little piggy

2011-12-14T08:58:00.003-05:00

by Bonnie Fields

There's just something about this watercolor of a pig that I love.
Maybe its cocked-head attitude.
Its colors.
Its simplicity.
Or maybe I just can't resist a cute pig.

Well, this little piggy's going to market today.
How about you?

Love is always worth it

2011-12-13T00:33:00.004-05:00

Curly Girl

Reckless abandon has always worked for me.

Seems to me that taking a risk for love
is always worth it,
no matter how it turns out.

Connect the dots: the 9 dot problem

2011-12-12T03:10:00.000-05:00

We were lucky enough to see Steve Jobs: The Lost Interview, before its short, limited run ended. Actually, we saw it in Palo Alto, where Steve lived, just down the road a piece from where we live.

The interview was conducted in 1995, the year before Jobs returned to Apple. He was only 40 years old. Handsome, charming, direct and oh-so-bright and visionary.

If you've read my other posts about Steve Jobs, you know he was someone I admired and in a strange way his influence was entwined with my time here in Silicon Valley. And so it won't surprise you to know that I cried at the end for the great loss we've experienced.

My husband had no such connection to Steve and found it hard to understand. But as we walked out of the film, he said, "I get it now. He was the Aristotle of our generation--no, he was the DaVinci of our generation. What an amazing mind."

And then, in the car, he drew this puzzle and talked about how Steve would have solved it. Do you know it?

Draw this with pen and paper. Then, using 4 straight lines, connect all nine dots without lifting your pen off the paper. How about trying to do it with 3 straight lines?

There's more than one way to solve this problem, and don't peek till you have tried it. Scroll down for some solutions.

Most people think they have to stay in the box made by the nine dots. But look at the directions closely. I don't see that rule, do you?

That's right, thinking out of the box--drawing out of the box--is the way to solve this problem. And there are actually more solutions than these.

True visionaries don't see the limits that we mortals see. They go beyond nine-dot puzzles and envision things that never were.

Robert F. Kennedy said:

I dream things that never were
and say why not?

Steve Jobs dreamed things that never were and then put teams together and managed them til those impossible things were accomplished.

So what do we learn from people like Jobs, Kennedy and the nine-dot puzzle? It's not just a puzzle, you know. We can apply that kind of thinking to our own problem-solving--problems of any kind. Here's how:

Look beyond the definition of the problem. Are there rules? What is allowable and what's not ? Has the problem been defined any other way besides the obvious? And if it has, immediately test those definitions, because they may not be correct. Define the problem yourself.

Look closely at the boundaries. Are they really there? Or are they self-imposed? One of my favorite Storypeople prints says
Yes, "mountains & rivers know the secret: pay no attention to boundaries."

You may see boundaries that aren't really there--they're just your perception of limits. What might happen if you push past the boundaries? If you saw no limits?

And then there's the fallacy of hard work. You can work your ass off doing the wrong thing over and over, harder and harder and you're still not going to get anywhere. Hard work alone won't solve this problem, or most others.

I read this recently: "You can be very close to a solution while not getting any closer to it." I get it. As Steve Jobs knew, thought is the way to a solution. Just working harder isn't going to get you there.

All of these things apply to just about anything in life, including personal relationships. Family. And work.

Steve Jobs and the 9 dots problem: a lesson for this day and every day.

Turns out the world isn't flat, after all

2011-12-11T10:13:00.001-05:00

It would serve us to remember this, especially as we think of religion, afterlife and all things that are completely out of our current frame of reference:

The suppression of uncomfortable ideas
may be common in religion or in politics,
but it is not the path to knowledge,
and there's no place for it in the endeavor of science.
The history of our study of our solar system shows us clearly
that accepted and conventional ideas are often wrong,
and that fundamental insights can arise
from the most unexpected sources.
-Carl Sagan

Steve redeeems himself in Episode 2 - Weed Wars

2011-12-10T09:47:00.000-05:00

Since I was so critical of the way Steve & the crew came across in the first episode of the new reality show, Weed Wars, I feel compelled to say he redeemed himself in the second episode.

Steve served as an articulate spokesman for his cause, and even his wild-eyed brother looked good as he helped a father find the right cannabis medicine for his young son who has a terrible form of epilepsy. I was also heartened to see that the child, who had awful seizures daily, was seizure- free for the first four days he took cannabis medicine. The opiates he'd been taking before did nothing. It was a heartbreaking story and I hope cannabis' effectiveness continues for this little boy. There is no question that marijuana has medicinal benefits that our crazy society doesn't want us to investigate. Especially for kids. Sure, let's give him opiates, instead, they think. It's "prescription medicine." Silly, limited thinking that keeps many suffering patients from relief.

I think Discovery milked that first episode for all it was worth, presenting the guys in a crazy way to draw in viewers. But the fact is, people like me don't want to see folks getting high. We want to see credible spokesmen for the cause of medical marijuana. Which Steve was.

Dress, however, had a scene in which he sat silently in the background looking for all intents and purposes like the Ghost of Christmas Past. Only in a dress. But I'm getting used to him. And I kind of like his taste in skirts.

Coffee: writers' drug of choice

2011-12-09T09:35:00.004-05:00

Coffee and writing go back a long way and it's not surprising.
Something needs to fuel the pen (or keyboard, today)
and the effect of intoxicating substances on writing is unreliable.

Except for maybe Dr. Hunter S. Thompson (may he rest in peace),
Huxley, Burroughs, Kerouac, Kesey and a handful of notable others.

Did you know that Robert Louis Stevenson was a cokehead?
That's how Jekyll & Hyde got done in less than a week.
Steven King, too, in his heyday.

But for every one of these ___heads (fill in the blank), there are
a score of other writers who are far too addled with substance to
write anything of it.

Coffee, though, that's another story. It's always been pretty
cheap, at least until big corporate coffee came along, and
a cup can be sipped and nursed for a long time.

Hemingway, Camus, Sartre and even JK Rowling
wrote in coffee shops. Even Picasso fueled his creativity
with coffee.

I love the taste of coffee, but strangely, rarely get a buzz off of it.
It's clearly writers' drug of choice.
And, even without the coffee rush,
mine.

If Joseph & Mary had Facebook

2011-12-08T13:21:00.005-05:00

Mary, Joseph & the family on Facebook. A must-see video.

Handling unattended children

2011-12-08T00:15:00.000-05:00

This sign hangs on the wall in my hair salon.

It may be the best definition of "effective" ever, as I have never seen an unattended child there.

Ever.

BFFs: best friends forever

2011-12-07T00:03:00.006-05:00

This morning I'm thinking about BFFs.

I never did believe in the idea of a single "best friend,"
the kind of exclusiveness that smacks of junior high:
cliques, whispers and sidelong glances.

That's not to say that I think of all
of my extraordinary friends
in the same way.
Each has a different
but an equally important place in my life.

There's the friend with whom I share dark
nights of the soul.
The ones who get my family dramas.
And the one who mentors my writing.
There are those with whom I share
an almost three-decade history
and those I've just met but already love.

I could go on.

Each of my wonderful friends holds my confidence
on one subject or another.
Religion, spirituality, food, beach, the 60s,
history, even sex--there's a friend or two for each
and I access them liberally.

But I can't say that I love one friend better than another.
Because that assumes that love is a scarce resource.
When really, it's in limitless, abundant supply.

Each of my friends is unique
and I love them each individually.
And equally.

You might say each of them is my BFF:
best friend forever.

Nail polish addiction so bad it requires a 12-step program

2011-12-06T09:49:00.004-05:00

Dear God, I am weak, so weak, in the face of Essie's winter collection of nail polish. ♥

It's a rather new fixation for me, nail polish. But when I saw this mostly soft collection online I knew I had to have some of it. I bought Carry On, a purplish burgundy.

It's a rough world out there and sometimes, a girl's just got to be trivial, you know?

We need an escape that keeps us in touch with our long-gone innocent youth, when it was all Tangee lipstick, cat-eye glasses and AquaNet. Before we had bills to pay, retirements to save for and kids to raise.

There are worse addictions.

Weed Wars on Discovery: an unwitting cautionary tale

2011-12-05T07:57:00.003-05:00

We caught the new reality television show, Weed Wars, the other night, and were astonished to see that --unwittingly--it is well on its way to becoming a cautionary tale, a 21st century version of Reefer Madness. An unintended consequence, I'm sure.

First, full disclosure: I think cannabis is pretty benign. Like with any substance, moderation is the key. I also believe weed's got medical benefits that our very strange view of "morality" prevents us from fully exploring. And finally, yes, I believe weed should be legalized and taxed. Nationwide. In California, medical marijuana is legal. But federally, it is not, and since federal law supersedes state law, we may not have our medical marijuana dispensaries for very long. Nothing like wasting taxpayer money to fight something helpful to sick people at best and relatively benign at worst.

But let's talk Weed Wars: when the show's producers found the middle-aged characters who run Oakland's Harborside Medical Center, a $21 million cannabis dispensing operation, they had to have known they'd hit gold. These guys are straight out of central casting. I can just see people in the flyover states nodding every stereotype of California and of people who like smoke is confirmed.

The brothers, on the left and center. Dress is on the right, as you can see.

Steve, a co-owner, sports a porkpie hat, a pair of long, skinny braids, one of those huge round earrings that makes a big ear hole, and says he likes to bite off a little edible weed before taking the podium for a public speaking gig. It makes him relax, and maybe even "a little funny." I've seen him come off as reasonable and bright on a documentary. But on the show he looks and sounds like a complete airhead.

Dave Wedding Dress is also a co-owner. He's tall, got a full beard and yes, wears dresses and skirts. And changed his name to "Dress." Which is what he's called. He was a very quiet presence in the first episode, wearing a jacket, tie and long skirt. On the far right above. In case you didn't notice. I love a man in kilts, but when I saw this dude, I could only ask, "WTF?" The farmers Grant Wood portrayed in his American Gothic oil painting are rolling their eyes.

Andrew, Steve's brother, is the wild-eyed general manager with a maniacal laugh and a decidedly giddy personality. This dude is seriously nuts. He's the guy on the left, above. He'd be well-served by cutting back on the smoke. Truly.

There's a staff salesman whose mother --a therapist, of course--thinks he's smoking so much weed he's lost his ambition. And at least from how he's portrayed in the first show, she may have a point.

And then there are the patients. A woman who asks for the "senior discount." People with cancer and chronic pain, who really need the relief cannabis provides. And there are those who clearly just want to get high. (I see nothing wrong with this--we have a long, cultural tradition of getting high--just look at all the bars in the U.S.)

The CFO, Luigi, has no strategic skills whatsoever. He's sent to appeal to the Oakland City Council's tax committee, which has levied a $1 million retrospective tax on the business. His pitch -- "It will shut us down" -- was as inarticulate as any I've seen. Perhaps it's the constant bong hits he took on camera. To Luigi, I say: "Sugar. Bong hits do not make you more articulate. They make you less."

The committee unanimously finds for the city. The tax must be paid.. Luigi gives Steve with braids the bad news. Steve is unmoved.

"No," he says, definitively, tossing his braids. "Call the Council and tell them they simply have to change that law." Luigi nods in agreement.

Right, boys. That's how it's done. You simply call the City Council and tell them to change the law. Are these guys kidding?

These men are completely delusional. It's easy to suspect weed as the cause. But it could be that they're all just crazy.

Having said that, the operation is pretty sophisticated. The guys and their chief purchasing agent clearly know a boatload about cannabis. It was interesting to see them evaluate potency and look for flaws like mold. It's a viable business. And I could practically smell the characteristic fragrance through the TV when they opened their big bags of bud and dug in to have a closer look. I was once in the home of a grower who had boxes of open bud. The house smelled wonderful.

As entertainment, Weed Wars is good stuff. But in the name of entertainment, it's significantly setting back the cause of marijuana law reform. Boys, your plan to educate the public is backfiring. Expect the feds to raid you any day now.

NORML* should be concerned.

*National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws, founded around 1970. www.norml.org

A life with no grey

2011-12-04T04:43:00.001-05:00

This is my definition of a fun life:
a messy bunch of bright colors.
Splotches of contrasting colors in each can.
A canvas daubed with different hues.

It's no accident that my house is filled with all these colors,
and I do mean all.

Splash some paint around in your life this month.

Mistaking effort for progress

2011-12-03T08:11:00.002-05:00

Solid Effort
It's taken me a long time to get here, he said,
so I don't really care if it's wrong.
-Storypeople

This is what it looks like
when we mistake effort
for progress.

If you're in motion
but the scenery's not changing
you're not going anywhere.

Just saying.

Keeping my word

2011-12-02T15:10:00.009-05:00

I walked the dogs at a face pace this morning after I spent an hour with Trainer Chris. I went to the grocery store and bought only healthy items.

Being congruent's hard.

Congruent: in agreement with something

I said I'd do it and I will.

Click that live link on the sentence just above to see what I'm doing. And inspire me with what you're doing in comments below. Because I need your help.

Creative Christmas wrapping

2011-12-02T09:14:00.002-05:00

Now that you've evaded the trampling crowds on Black Friday, it's time to turn your attention toward wrapping all the great deals you scored.

As much as this writer hates to admit it, on the subject of wrapping, a picture's worth a thousand words. So sit back and be prepared to be inspired to make your very own creative packages this year.

Candy as part of the package wrapping.
Thing is, you just shouldn't eat it after.

Dishtowels & cloth napkins make creative
and ecologically friendly gift wrap--as
well as useful gifts.

I love this wrap. I just do. I know it looks like
someone's had a nosebleed on the package, but I still love it.

Who doesn't have old buttons around?
I'd glue them, though. Quicker.

A cascade of stars. Easy.

A pompom that a child could make.

I love this, too. Many possible variations.
If you were really crafty (and patient) you could hand stencil white paper.

Button and string. What could be easier?

Maybe you're not traditional.
My sister-in-love routinely wraps like this.
I try not to hate her.

The title tells you how to do it. Cute cute cute!
And something to do with those leftover tins.
I definitely need to buy some mints so I can do this.

Little works of art.
Definitely not budget wrap. But lovely.

These are various Christmas towels.
Finally! a use for that glitter pen in your drawer!

Cute way to wrap home made jams & cookies.

I found some of those little "takeout" containers at Michaels.

Easy. Colorful.
Untraditional color choices still scream the season.

Inspired? Got an idea to share? Tap it out below.

Has your home been targeted for burglary?

2011-12-01T08:53:00.003-05:00

Have you seen these chalk marks on your sidewalk, driveway or trees? If you have, burglars may be casing your home.

If you live in parts of the Willow Glen area of San Jose, Calif. you have definitely seen some of these markings, which pinpoint homes for burglary. These symbols are most often seen in the UK, but have been appearing here in recent weeks.

The area's been troubled by a string of breaking and entering. A very long string. And some residents have seen these chalk marks on their driveways, sidewalks or trees.

(What, you thought they'd text? )

It seems that aggressive door-to-door "solicitors" may be casing homes and targeting them with the marks.

How do I know this? Willow Glen has an e-list. Subscribers share all sorts of information just as if they were talking over the back fence, and the list has been buzzing these past two months with talk of "solicitors" ringing doorbells late at night, men sitting in cars casing homes and far too many burglaries. These marks have been sighted locally, although not yet in my direct neighborhood.

Be wary. If you see these symbols in your neighborhood, report them to the police department. And be sure your doors and windows are locked when you leave the house, or even when you're home.

And here's what is really disturbing. Despite many calls to the police, these "solicitors" are still wandering around the area. Our law enforcement resources are stretched to the limit and they can not follow up on many of these calls. That's the damn truth. So: men are still ringing doorbells at 9:25pm at night, wandering neighborhoods assessing robbery potential and burglaries are continuing.

Which is why, much as I believe in our right to protest, I am unhappy that the Occupy movement is diverting law enforcement personnel that could be fighting crime.

Finding ourselves as we age: women helping women

2011-11-30T07:13:00.001-05:00

One day, it seemed, I woke up and realized, I am my mother.

I take high blood pressure and cholesterol pills and have the same green plastic pill box with compartments for each day of the week. My back aches like hers did.

My aging skin takes buckets of moisturizer to look dewy. The pounds are not just creeping on, they're piling on. Sleep? What's that?

I can't even remember where I put the cinnamon, much less events for the memoir I'm midway through. It seemed like just yesterday I was 35 and climbing the corporate ladder. This past summer, I hit a milestone birthday: 60.

How did I get here? I asked myself, and I found it's the same question my friends were asking themselves. Maybe you can relate. In talking with my friends, I realized the more important question was: What am I going to do about it?

What am I going to do to make these next few decades, the last third of my life, healthy and happy? How can I return to being the me I was in my youth, fit, healthy, more relaxed?

My doctor told me her biggest concern is heart health, because cardiovascular disease is the number one cause of death and disability for American women. Ideally, she'd like me off my blood pressure medications, and that meant weight loss. (GROAN.) Besides a healthier diet, she recommended I do at least 30 minutes of cardio exercise a day. (GROAN AGAIN!)

I've been recalcitrant, but it's time for that to change. Baby steps: small, manageable, with a high payoff.

MY COMMITMENT TO RETURNING TO A HEALTHIER HEART

I've committed to making three major changes to support a healthier heart.

1. To get those 30 minutes of cardio in every day, I'm going to do some things I love. First, I'll walk our bigger dog, who strides far more quickly than our little maltipoo. On rainy days, I'll plug in my favorite rock and roll and dance. That's right, dance. All by myself. For 30 minutes. That's only 10 songs, and I'm going to listen to them anyway, so why not move while I listen?

2. I don't eat a lot of fat, but I do love carbs. From now on, my Sicilian self will still eat pasta, but far less often and only whole grain. I don't love protein, but I found some delicious-sounding recipes on websites like WebMD (boneless, skinless chicken breasts stuffed with a little herbed goat cheese? Mmmm!) to whet my appetite for lean protein. And I stocked my freezer with my favorite fish. Thanksgiving dinner included two desserts: I talked to the friend who was bringing one of them, and she agreed to substitute a green vegetable.

3. Sometimes, I just don't want to take the time to cook vegetables, so I'll just pop a potato in the microwave. More carbs. To combat my laziness, two or three times a week I'll steam up some fresh green vegetables: broccoli, Brussels sprouts, asparagus, so all I have to do is reheat them for dinner. And now that it's winter, I'll make a pot of healthy vegetable soup every week or so.

I've got some good goals to aim for, too.

By March, I want to feel flexible enough to climb on a camel during our long-awaited vacation in Morocco.

By June, I want my doctor to reduce my blood pressure medications.

MY COMMITMENT TO RETURNING TO A BETTER NIGHT'S SLEEP

My sleep pattern got disrupted during perimenopause, almost a decade before I hit menopause. I could sleep for four or five hours, but then I'd awaken and be unable to doze off again. In my 40s, it was night sweats.

I was lucky; when I hit menopause I didn't get more than a couple of hot flashes. But I am still more likely to get overheated at night than I did when I was younger, and that interrupts my sleep.

Here are the things that work for me:

1. A fan in the bedroom at night, even with air conditioning. The cool air helps with overheating, and the whirring is white noise that lulls me to sleep.

2. I wear a sleep mask so the lights from the computer, TV and alarm clock do not keep me awake.

3. If I toss and turn for more than 10 minutes, I get up and go into the living room. Keeping the lights dim, I sit and meditate or do a relaxation exercise. Within the hour I am usually sleepy enough to go back to sleep.

4. I have no caffeine after 2pm.

MY COMMITMENT TO RETURNING TO CARING FOR MYSELF

I'm married and my husband is used to having someone take care of him. We are both semi-retired and working at home. He practices law part-time, and I am writing a memoir.

But I'm the primary shopper, cook, and organizer of all household tasks and chores. When we first retired, I prepared three meals a day for us. My entire day was taken up with those three meals, as well as organizing all the things needed when you move into a new house.

My writing was done in fits and starts. I made little progress. Sound familiar?

When you take care of a family: kids, a husband, aging parents, you're usually last on the list to be taken care of. That adds tension, stress on your heart and insomnia. See the connection?

A few months ago, I told my husband I would cook one meal a day: either lunch or dinner. For the others, he was on his own. This gives me the necessary time to do the things that are important to me: my self-care.

I also off-loaded some of the household tasks. I still have to remind him, but at least he does them. The other day, he made his very first pumpkin loaf to welcome a new family to our neighborhood!

Did I come up with these all by myself?

Nope. I initiated discussions with all my friends. I was surprised to find that more than a few them also felt they had lost themselves over the years and wanted to return to the women they used to be. By talking, sharing information, and exploring ideas, I came up with the things that I thought I could achieve. Small steps, in keeping with my life.

How about you? Have you started a dialogue with your women friends? What steps are manageable for your life? Share your story in the comments; I'd love to hear your successes.

Pfizer, has mounted RETURN TO YOU, a program to help women live better, healthier lives. They're actually finding ways to connect us with one another and also with health experts who have a deep understanding of the challenges we face.

To read other inspirational blogger stories check out the Pfizer Return to You page on BlogHer.com.

Just not organized

2011-11-29T09:41:00.001-05:00

I'm just not organized.

Oh, I'm an organized thinker, all right. During my career, I got paid good money to think.

But as far as boxes, bins and bags go, I'm hopeless. I just don't see a place for everything and everything in its place.

The Container Store intimidates me. I walk in and hyperventilate. How on earth would I use all those colorful, cute storage containers? I'd love to have them neatly lined up in my garage ad office, everything in its place, but really, I'm clueless.

Nonetheless, when I finished all my holiday wrapping, boxing and mailing week before last (don't hate me), I set out to organize my gift bags, tissue paper, gift wrap, ribbons, bows and gee gaws.

What a mess: bags and boxes overflowing with wrap, ribbons and tissue; with boxes and stickers and labels.

But with the help of my rocking husband the Legal Eagle (new name), I organized and consolidated it all into two nice plastic containers.

Gift bags of all sizes and tissue paper fit into one huge plastic bin, with a bag of premade bows, tiny favor bags, gift tags and geegaws tucked into the side. Spools of colorful ribbon are now easily accessible in a plastic box about a third larger than a shoe box.

In a frenzy of organizing, I am now moving on to my office. Wish me luck.

And if you've got any organizing tips, I'll take them.

Last day for free holiday cards from Paper Culture

2011-11-28T13:55:00.010-05:00

I'm a big fan of Paper Culture and they're running a really great holiday promo you might like. They're giving 10 Holiday Cards away for free. All sorts of cute cards.

FREE. Today's the last day, and they call it Blyber Friday.

No minimum purchase and the only cost is shipping ($8.99 flat rate) and tax. OR, even better, you can use their FREE Mail & Message service where they stamp, address and mail your cards on your behalf. You cover only the actual cost of the stamp. No shipping. Now that's a really free deal.

Yes, there are non-Christmas holiday options. The cards are all adorable. In my opinion.

I'd jump right on this today. Enter code 10FREE at checkout.

For info, click HERE and scroll down. Yes, the print is tiny. Today only.

For cards, click HERE

Two dog bed

2011-11-28T08:41:00.002-05:00

This is our 14-year old rescue dog, Little He, in his very own bed. (I also call him Hebert, and Heebie Jeebie.)

M. has had him since he was a baby. And even though he's older now, he's still a big baby and a 40-lb. lap dog. He loves to sleep and he spends a lot of time in his bed.
But, the grass is always greener, so when he spied Riley's little bed, he thought he'd give it a try.
Even though it was just a teeny bit too small, he decided to stake a claim. "Hey! Who's that in my bed?"
"Let me give him a butt smell and find out.""MOM! Little He is in MY bed! Make him get out!"
"Thank goodness he's gone!"
"I don't know what all the fuss is about--here I am, in my own bed, under my blanky. G'night!"

Hallelujah Chorus means Christmas

2011-11-27T00:21:00.006-05:00

The Hallelujah Chorus from The Messiah has defined Christmas since the first time I sang it in high school chorus.

There's something about the power and majesty of Handel's music that just does it for me. And I love the tradition of everyone standing for The Hallelujah Chorus.

This time of year there's always a community sing-along Messiah somewhere, and last night, armed with newly-purchased choral sheet music, I dragged hubby 10 miles north to an LDS church that hosted two hours of sing-along. Yep, me, the Legal Eagle and about 80 Mormons.

There, we got our fix of the best Christmas music ever written.

Fortunately, the Legal Eagle loves choral music and he actually reads music. (He played the trumpet in his youth. Ladies, I highly recommend hooking up with a guy with an embouchere.)

Beautiful voices, friendly people, a great evening. My favorite sight: a tenor reading the score off his Ipad. It was a lot lighter than my thick paper booklet, that's for sure.

I'd really like to get back to singing in church choirs, except that I have a book to finish, trips to take and way too many unwatched programs on the DVR, not to mention I'd have to actually join a church.

No one does The Messiah better than the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Seeing them perform it live is one of my bucket list items.

Here they are on video. Ignore the Easter note at the end (Handel covers the whole Messiah story in his oratorio) and enjoy The Hallelujah Chorus with me. BTW, it was first presented in Dublin in 1742. Click HERE for some history of the oratorio.

video

The wooden spoon

2011-11-26T00:01:00.002-05:00

Show any Sicilian-American kid this picture and s/he will get it, immediately.

Here's the scenario:

Sicilian-American Mom: Don't do that.
Kid: (does it anyway)
Mom: I told you not to do that.
Kid: (continues to be naughty)

Then:

The sound of a kitchen drawer sliding open hard,
the rattling of kitchen utensils and then,
Mom comes after kid
brandishing a tomato-sauce stained wooden spoon.
{It doesn't count if it's not stained with tomato sauce.}

Chase ensues.
Kid usually escapes (laughing all the way)
but if Mom catches up
s/he gets a mild whack on the clothed butt with the wooden spoon.

Once, instead of whacking me,
my mother banged the spoon so hard on the
formica counter that the wood split and the spoon
lay in two pieces on the counter.
Everyone had a good laugh,
including Mom.

I suppose in today's world
someone would call the authorities.
But really, most kids in my culture would tell you
that they mostly laughed as they evaded the wooden spoon
(and their mom).

Disclaimer: I abhor child abuse of any kind.
However, a Sicilian-American mom
wielding a sauce-stained wooden spoon
is definitely not a child abuser.

If you, too, have a story about a wooden spoon,
tell us about it in the Comments section.

Give to others this Christmas

2011-11-25T00:03:00.000-05:00

It's Black Friday. Before you brave the crowds in retail land, consider this alternative:

My sister-in-love texted the other day to ask what we wanted for Christmas.

I couldn't think of an actual "thing" I wanted, so
I went through all the gift card ideas: Amazon, Target, coffee, Macy's.

And then, my fingers tapped this:
We'd be thrilled if you'd make a small donation in our name
to the St. Jude Children's Research Hospital.

Her response:
I love that idea!

M. and I aren't exchanging gifts this year.
Instead, we made a donation to a local charity
--Unity Care Group-
that helps foster children have a nice Christmas.
We're participating in food and clothing drives again this year.
And we're encouraging others to do the same.

But about St. Jude:

The St. Jude Children's Research Hospital helps and saves children with cancer
and other serious diseases. No child is turned away for
any reason, including inability to pay.

It became the beneficiary of my will
years ago when my TV remote landed on an infomercial of theirs.
Half a box of tissues later and an email to my lawyer and my will was changed.

And about Unity Care:

Unity Care helps at-risk youth in San Jose and the Bay area.

There are so many worthwhile organizations that need our time and money
this season and all year around.
If you're lucky enough to be in position to help with either time or money,
I promise you it will make your holiday very special.

And next time someone asks what you'd like for Christmas
you might consider asking for a small donation
to your favorite charity.

And like a band of angels, together we can spread hope and happiness
to those for whom it is in short supply.

Thanksgiving Day at our house

2011-11-24T16:58:00.013-05:00

Over the River and Through the Woods / video

Thanksgiving marks the start of our winter holiday season, and it happens to be my favorite time of year. I can play Christmas carols without thinking it's too early and in northern California, it's cold enough to burn a couple of logs in the fireplace.

It's been a peaceful day so far, only because we're a small group without kids and we decided we wouldn't go crazy with the meal. We are all marching inexorably to Social Security (with any luck) and can not fill our bellies as we did in our youth.

We'll be four for dinner tonight, plus two dogs, lit candles and a roaring fire.

My "gay husband," brined the bird and is cooking it now, along with a Bobby Flay dressing he loves. (When a former catering chef offers to make the turkey the only answer is YES!) His friend has Brussels sprouts on her stove.

We started early at my house. The pumpkin pie is done, my side dish of green beans, portobellos, brown sugar, goat cheese and other good stuff just has to be finished, and the potatoes need to be peeled, boiled and mashed. My legal husband has taken the wine out and vacuumed (yes, I know you want video but I forgot to shoot one.) Later, I'll whip real cream for the pie.

Even though dinner's being prepared in three different homes, G and I consulted by phone at 9am and since then have been texting photos of our progress back and forth (that stuffing looks good!).

I love how we can define family our own way, especially when we don't have the fairy tale configuration. The phone rang all morning with warm thoughts across the miles from family and friends I consider family. Joanne and Bob in Tampa, young Michael, my Tampa nephew; my sister-in-love, Michele; a call with my brother-in-law; a text from another friend, emails from others.

We may not be going over the river and through the woods to grandmother's house, but my gay husband and I have known each other almost 25 years, vacationed together and had many a good cry in each other's company. If that ain't family, I don't know what is.

Still, we know that our parents, grandparents and the many loved ones who have crossed over are with us today. Unseen but always in our hearts, they'll be with us at the table. And who knows, with any luck, one or two may even make their presence known.

Remembering the Thanksgivings of our past--including many with snow--I hope you, too, enjoy the Thanksgiving video above.

A whole day of gratitude for our many blessings--is there a better reason for a holiday?

I hope your day has been filled with warmth and love.

Thanksgiving prayer

2011-11-24T06:54:00.000-05:00

Peace on earth: a benediction & a beacon home

2011-11-23T08:52:00.002-05:00

I'm also blogging about peace on earth at Campbell Patch today. Click here.

Christmas gifts that cost nothing

2011-11-23T08:20:00.002-05:00

Short on money but still want to give Christmas gifts? Consider a personal services gift certificate, for services done by--that's right--YOU.

Everyone's got a talent of some sort. Offer to cook a meal, wash a dog, organize a kitchen, put up some shelves, edit a resume or even iron. These are seriously great gifts!

Here are a few of the services that friends and family might consider more valuable than other sweater, CD or bottle of perfume.

Babysitting
Snow shoveling or yard work
Dog walking, pet sitting, dog bathing
Organizing
Massage
Haircut and style
Makeup application
Manicure
Resume writing
Cooking
Driving them somewhere--doctor appointments, shopping, wine tasting
Car washing
Sewing
Handyman services
Computer consulting
Hugs (I gave this once)
Ironing, laundry
Errand running

See? No money at all. Just your time and love, worth their weight in gold. Why not add your own ideas in the Comments section.

This week I've been blogging on Christmas gift ideas. Scroll down for several days worth of tips and ideas for shopping on a budget.

Diva's 20 holiday gifts for $10 or less

2011-11-22T00:21:00.003-05:00

It takes creative, clever shopping to stay within budget, especially $10 or less. I absolutely love stores like TJMaxx, Marshalls, Home Goods and Old Navy. Bath and Body Works is a treasure trove of inexpensive gifts, as well. Choose carefully at Sephora --usually their house brands--and you might be surprised at what you can find for $10 or less. Pier One has an eclectic offering for just about anyone, at great prices. So let's break it down a bit.

The best bargains in the world can often be found in housewares at TJMaxx: pots and pans, beautiful ceramic dishes and bowls, vases, picture frames--you name it. Same with the other, similar stores.

This adorable dog mug was $3.99. A two-cup set is a perfect gift for a dog lover
and costs under $10.We couldn't resist and bought a pair to use for our morning coffee during the holiday season. Which we define as starting NOW. As you can see.

And how adorable to find another tiny dog peeking out from the bottom as we take our last swigs. Way too cute!

Sometimes, you just can't resist something really different and a little crazy. Here's a unique offering from Sephora: blinged-up bandages to cover wounds, scars or even tattoos for fancy dress outings. Perfect for the klutz in your life, and only $6. New Year's Eve is coming fast--if you've got a boo-boo, bling it up to match your outfit.

L'Occitane is a higher-end brand but their hand creams pack a big punch in a tiny package. A little goes a long way, and they're perfect for winter. Several different scents, and the one I love best: no scent. A small, purse-sized tube of rich, emollient hand cream is only $10. They offer cute little gift packages that include lip balm for $20 or $25, depending on promotion. It's a luxurious gift any woman would love. {I'm a big fan of the face cream, too, but it's fairly pricey.}

Even less expensive: Burt's Bees, also good products. Lip balm and hand lotion both for under $10. Most drugstores carry them.

How about these modern, colorful cheese knives?
Regular price for the set: $25 but I found them for $7.50 at TJMaxx last month. A very cute hostess gift at a fantastic low price, so I didn't wait: I bought them for myself, and so would you if you saw them.

These two cutting boards together are $9.95 online (below).
But you can find really cute small ones like this for even less at TJMaxx or Marshall's. I treated myself to two of these. They're perfectly sized for a little holiday cheese tray on the coffee table

Bath and Body Works has a wonderful travel set for $10 (below). It's nicely packaged; just pick your fragrance.

Below, B&BW 4 oz. scented candles are 2 for $10, and in a variety of fragrances. I actually have quite a few of them, bought on sale a few months back.In fact, walk through any Bath and Body Works and find a plethora of great gift items either on sale or reasonably priced. Their products are beautifully packaged and even a small selection of purse-sized scented hand sanitizers would make a thoughtful gift for the sanitizer neurotic on your gift list. (Like me.)

How about some other ideas?

Do-it-yourself feather hair extensions are $5.00 at some drugstores. You might be surprised at what you can find in your local drugstore.
Kids' books at one of the discount stores like TJMaxx: under $5. Baby gifts easily found there for under $7. I like!
A brag book of photos for $5.99 at drugstores, perfect for aunts, uncles, grandparents.

And here's a great gag gift I found at Pier 1: Golf pens for $5
Men would love this practical black stackable wine rack. Only $9.99

Glass Christmas earrings for only $5.
These are so pretty:

Assorted mosaic mirrors: $4
And then, this:
Only $8 for this cute beaded and embellished embroidered coin purse.

Check out Old Navy for the man in your life: great prices on so many things. I found knit hats or scarves for $10.
How about a shirt?
Sueded jersey tshirts (and long sleeved pocket tees) for $10.
Tshirts and short-sleeved Henleys on sale for $10.

As you can see, it's entirely possible to shop on a budget these days. There's nothing on this list that I wouldn't enjoy getting and so would the people on your list.

Got any tips for cost effective shopping? Join the conversation and share them in the Comments section.

Have you seen yesterday's post on Top 10 Christmas shopping tips?
And still to come: gifts that cost nothing at all.

Diva's Top 10 easy, budget-conscious Christmas shopping tips

2011-11-21T06:36:00.014-05:00

It's time. Past time, really, because the crowds are starting to mass and it's already hard to find a parking space at the mall.

Diva's almost a professional shopper, and one thing she's got down pat is saving time, money and still getting the best gifts for everyone on her list. Here are a few tips to make shopping quick and easy on the wallet.

1. Make a list and check it twice, so you don't forget anyone. Then, mark down what you've bought for each person and keep the list for future reference. I do this, but then I misplace the list, like I've just done. Looking madly all over the house for it. (Do as I say, not as I do!)

2. Shop all year and stash goodies in a designated gift box. Old cardboard boxes work, or buy cute little boxes like those above.I've used clear plastic boxes and old brown cardboard. Diva's Christmas shopping is always done well before November, and usually cost-efficiently. That's because she's always on the lookout for fun gifts and treasures, and even better if they're on sale. Label each with its intended recipient before putting it in your gift box.

3. Choose on-sale goods carefully. There's a big difference between buying a Starbucks mug on sale and buying a sale sweater when you are not 100% sure of size. I returned some clothing that was the wrong size and style to find that it had cost the giver $15--a huge markdown from the original price. A great bargain for my gift-giver but when I returned it to the high-end store it came from, my only option was to spend far more to get something else. I chose a store credit, which I have yet to use, years later. A $15 gift card for books or coffee would've had the same impact on the giver's wallet and been more useful for the recipient.

If it's a matter of size and taste or if there's another reason why the recipient might exchange it, pay full price and include a gift receipt. Just about everything else? On sale is fine. Oh--and if you do not absolutely know a size? Do not buy clothing. Seriously. Because you'll always guess wrong.

4. Travel is an opportunity to find unusual gifts. When I was in Scotland, I got my golfer nephew several gifts from St. Andrews, the golf mecca. Irresistible opportunity to give him something special. In Ireland I found wonderful lace and embroidered sachets for friends. And tiny framed four-leaf clovers. In Banff I found a inukshuk pendant to protect a young friend on her journey through life.

If you're buying while traveling, size and weight are important considerations. If you're out of the country, be sure receipts are accessible in case there are questions about your customs declaration.

5. I like stores like TJ Maxx, Home Goods and Ross, but I'm careful about what gifts I buy there. Many of the "leather" goods are actually vinyl and look shoddy. The soaps and lotions can also be cheap imitations. But on things like kitchenware, stationery and household goods, I'm on "go" all the way. They're also great places to find hostess gifts. I recently bought myself some colorful, modern cheese knives that would have also made a great gift. They were $7.50. Check carefully for flaws and damage.

Target's $1 bin is great for things like baby socks and bibs that have a short lifespan. Also, children's books and other little goodies that make a nice addition to a gift sack. Pick through the offerings and examine them carefully for defects.

A word about China. Recent issues like pet food ingredients that kill pets and toothpaste brand clones with potentially poisonous ingredients have taught us that life can be cheap in this increasingly capitalistic and sometimes corrupt country. I do not buy ANY CONSUMABLES made in China and especially not pet treats or food / candy of any kind. Check labels carefully if you are concerned.

6. Make something. Oh, I know, you're going to say you aren't crafty. You don't knit, crochet, stitch or make pottery. But anyone can bake. Trader Joe's pumpkin bread mix is a deal at $2.99 and has simple instructions. Cookies, gingerbread, pumpkin loaves all can be easily made and adorably wrapped for just pennies. Thoughtful, consumable and always appreciated.

If you want to put forth a little more effort, candy's not that hard, either. It doesn't have to be as elaborate as the delectable selection below, but you can make a platter of chocolate covered fruit or a small selection of easy truffles, wrap it nicely --a fabulous holiday gift friends will ooh and ahh over.

7. Gift cards and certificates. I'm a fan. Target, Sephora, Amazon, Starbucks, a sporting goods store, a restaurant, wherever. These are especially appreciated today, when many people are facing hard times. Just make sure it's for a place the recipient shops.

8. Personal services certificates. Have you hired a babysitter these days? It's not cheap. Any couple with young children would appreciate a night out. A hand-made certificate for an evening's babysitting could be worth its weight in gold. If you're really into it, offer to take the kids out for the day.

Do you cut hair, do nails, organize, clean houses, garden, mow lawns, shovel snow or have another skill a friend can use? Offer your services as a gift. If you're on a budget yourself, this is a wonderful way to give something to those you love without spending a cent.

9. Beautiful seasonal flowers can be creatively wrapped to make a beautiful gift. I bought a tall purple orchid at Trader Joe's the other day for $12.99. With cute wrap and ribbon, it would be a gift I'd love to get. (I did get it--for myself!)
10. Gift bags and baskets. I love a goodie bag. Got an old basket hanging around? Safeway has been putting wines on sale for 30 to 40% off list. A bottle of wine, nuts, dried pasta, crackers, dried fruit, cookies (handmade or bought) all can be bought individually for far less than commercial gift baskets. Buy some cellophane wrap at a crafts store, tie it all up with a big bow and there you have it. A great --and economical--gift basket.
You can do the same thing in gift bags of any size. Do you recycle gift bags? If not, you should. Keep and reuse them. Yes, I even reuse bags with store logos. Use the old tissue to line the bottom and new tissue up top where it shows. Draw or use stickers or ribbons to give a solid colored bag a festive look or to cover a small logo.

Never pay full price for Christmas ribbon, wrap, tags and bags. I buy all my holiday wrappings on Dec. 26 when they go on sale. Shop early for the best selection.

A gift chosen with thought and care with the recipient in mind is always appreciated, no matter the price. It is, after all, the thought that counts.

Watch this week for: Best gifts under $10
and Best gifts that cost no money at all

WTF moment when dog confronted with tap-dancing Christmas trees

2011-11-20T19:17:00.014-05:00

Riley's little Cairn terrier girlfriend, Lexi, and her mom came out with us the other night to the tree lighting at the Pruneyard Shopping Center in Campbell. (Riley is not able to deal with the commotion of crowds, especially at night, so he stayed home.)

The festivities included three women who tap-danced dressed as lighted Christmas trees. Yeah. No judgment.

Well, little Lexi had a head-spinning WTF moment when the music began. I didn't catch her first double-take on camera, but did capture her looking at them, then her WTF looks back at us, here:

Later, she actually MET the tap-dancing trees. Here she is, with her mom:

After that, she had to contend with a giant plastic snow globe:

And after that, her mom took her home and probably gave her a bowl of water and a big Xanax.

Love without legalities

2011-11-20T00:18:00.007-05:00

Here in the 21st century our lives are chock-full of relationships
that remain long after "official" status gone.
Like an in-law.
{I hate the "in-law" designation.}

Or maybe we're particularly close to someone who never had "official" status.

What's an in-law after a divorce?

What's a friend that's more than a friend but not a relative?

We have no words for relationships full of love but not legalities.

Well, actually we do. I just heard them:

"in-love".

She may not be your sister-in-law,
but she may well be your sister-in-love.

Perhaps she didn't make mother-in-law status,
but she remains your mother-in-love.

Because really, relationships of any kind
--including these---
are all about love.

{Thanks, Dawn G for calling this to my attention.}

Fall but soon winter

2011-11-19T08:50:00.000-05:00

It's dark earlier now*, and carpets of leaves are everywhere. It's still fall, but we're moving relentlessly toward winter, a cold, dark season for many of us.

Our wet and cold early winter is my least favorite time of year in northern California, short days made for nothing but curling up under the covers with a fat book, a roaring fire, a cup of cocoa and the dogs.

Like a sunflower, I turn my head to catch the last bits of sunshine and warmth before they're just a memory. And a tiny bloom of hope to look forward to in spring.

*Daylight Savings Time was Ben Franklin's great idea. For farmers.

Finding our way home

2011-11-18T04:53:00.002-05:00

South in winter, north in spring: birds always know where home is.

Back in the day, extended families all lived in the same area. "Home" was clear. Today, not so much. Many of us who live away from our hometowns talk about "going home" when we visit our families. If you have children, you've formed a new home with them, but sometimes you consider both places "home."

I've been a vagabond, really, pulling up roots every so often and replanting myself. I don't have just one home, I call several wonderful places "home."

As much as this California-loving girl hates to admit it, when I get off a plane in Tampa and prepare to visit with my wonderful friends there, it does feel like home. The palm trees and warm, humid air, the familiar drive on 60 East from the airport to Dale Mabry, the landmark buildings (noting the changes in the past year). "I'm home!" I exult.

Or, from San Jose, I head south on Highway 101 and approach the Monterey peninsula, the moody, magical place which was my home for years but spoke to my soul for decades before I moved there.

Almost 30 years since I lived in Tallahassee, a mystical city of Spanish moss, marshes and catfish; where most of the trucks had gunracks; and the language was Southern drawl. Did it happen? Or was it a setting for a book I once read?

And I'm 40 years, too many deaths and too much water under the bridge to call my hometown of Rochester "home." It seems like another lifetime, really, or a colorful dream I once had.

Home is now in San Jose, our compact but airy house, our two dogs standing guard, friends and neighbors with whom we share frequent wine-soaked dinners, hummus and Halloween.

Home may not always be the same place, like it is for birds. But we always know where it is. And like birds, we'll always find our way back, one way or another.

Creating our own reality

2011-11-17T07:26:00.000-05:00

What if we did create our own reality
and had to take responsibility
for everything that's happened in our life,
had an internal locus of control,
had to face that our pain
was of our own doing,
that we created it
by our action or inaction...

Could we tolerate the burden
of that knowledge?

When imitation turns into obsession

2011-11-16T08:44:00.000-05:00

Back in my early 30s, I had a really good friend. Someone with whom I spent a lot of time. After a while though, I began to notice a strange pattern.

Whatever I did, she also did.I got pearls for my birthday. She asked for pearls for hers. Clothing, friends, adventures: I had them, then, so did she.

Beyond coincidence, it went on and on.They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, and yes, I got that. But I have to admit that it irritated me.

Remember the Bridget Fonda movie, Single White Female? Some similarities.

But my friend wasn't crazy like that. She simply lacked a sense of herself. And without a way to define herself, she thought she'd use mine.

So what goes into a strong sense of self? How do we develop one?

Sociologists like The Looking Glass Sense of Self:

A person imagines how they appear to others.
She imagines the judgment that others may be making regarding that appearance.
She develops a self-image via their reflection; that is, the judgments or critique of others.

Clearly, my friend didn't feel good enough about what she saw in the looking glass. And her life wasn't good enough for her--she wanted a piece of mine.

Imitation is an acquired trait. We look at others, admire them and want to be like them. Nothing wrong with that. Problems arise, though, when our admiration turns into blind imitation. Or, it makes us forget our own uniqueness and puts us at risk of becoming second-rate versions of someone else, instead of first-rate versions of ourselves.

Talents and abilities differ. Interests differ. We were all born originals. My life was no better than hers. My friends were no better than hers.

I loved the fact that my friend admired me, but in the process, she lost her own identity. And she was just fine as herself.

We women can be funny. It's not unusual for us to let others, even our man, define us. It happens all the time. And imitation is another way we let others define us.

I'm hoping young women today do a better job of getting in touch with who they are and what they want. I hope they see that they're originals and just fine the way they are.

Do you think it's any different today for young women?

Simple Sicilian cooking

2011-11-15T09:28:00.002-05:00

The trouble with two people of Sicilian descent cohabiting is that the entire household believes that the best meal has these ingredients.

Garlic, onions, red, orange and yellow peppers all sliced thin and sauteed till limp and tender go well in red sauce, frittati, scrambled eggs or just over pasta with a little grated cheese and pepper. It's the way my mother cooked and her mother before her.

And then just about everything goes in a red sauce, including asparagus and Brussels sprouts. (Not my mother's way, but my twist.) Sometimes I'll stir in a few heaping spoonfuls of fresh ricotta. For meat eaters, hot Italian sausage or chicken.
No salad needed with this beauty; it's all in the red sauce. We do make another nod to good health by using whole grain pastas.

If you can smell the garlic from down the street, it's a Sicilian kitchen. What delicious smells emanate from your kitchen?

Me, myself: a 21st century grammar lesson

2011-11-14T06:07:00.001-05:00

Few grammatical errors make me as crazy as the misuse of the reflexive pronoun, myself.

Unless it's using "media" as a singular, when it's a plural. One medium; two media. Social media ARE, not Social media "is". Oh, that grates.

But back to myself.

When I hear people misuse myself it's like fingernails on a chalkboard. If we still had chalkboards. Which we don't.

People just don't want to use the pronoun me any longer. So they substitute myself and sound ignorant.

Here's an easy way to test for the correct pronoun.

"Please call Riley or myself with questions."

How would you say this without Riley? "Please call myself with questions" is obviously wrong. It's "Please call ME..."

The correct sentence, then, is "Please call Riley or me with questions."

Here's an easier way to test today: If you want to use myself, you're probably wrong. That's because the wrong use is so pervasive we think it's right. But it's not.

Myself is a reflexive pronoun. Other examples are: yourself, himself, itself, themselves. A reflexive pronoun is never the subject of a sentence. It's always the object --the thing having something done to it.

Would you say Myself got a job? No. It is never the subject.

You can use myself if you are both the subject and the object of a sentence. As in "I see myself teaching college again in the near future." Or "He's going to treat himself to Giants tickets."

Thank you for indulging me in this little educational rant.

Call myself if you have any questions. I mean, call ME.

Let in the light

2011-11-13T04:54:00.000-05:00

This is what love should feel like
decades later.

In the early 1980s an older friend told me
that her heart still skipped a beat
when she saw her husband,
20 years and four kids later.

I remembered it all these years,
aspired to it
and finally
have it.

Welcome to Terra Nova

2011-11-12T05:28:00.002-05:00

It's got Spielberg involved, but it's not doing very well. We might be the only people watching this hot mess, which runs on Fox at 8pm on Mondays. You can also catch it on Comcast's OnDemand.

The show is badly written, but the premise is irresistible, and we've become fans. But not because it's so good. Because it's fun to predict the next lines of dialogue and plot points as we go, and then high-five each other when we're right.

Which is most of the time.Because it's so badly written.

But if you're not watching, you really ought to get in on the fun, as it'll probably be cancelled. And smoke a joint before you tune in.

Here's the story:

Yes, this is what we've done to Earth. It's the year 2149 and we've really effed it up good. The air, the water, the whole thing. Dark and terrible. Resources are so strained that families are restricted to two children.

BUT, fortunately, we've found a way to access an alternative timeline that allows us to go back 85 million years to dinosaur era...late Cretaceous prehistoric earth, to be exact...and we can get to it and form a colony. But it's only a one-way street. Welcome to....

Yes. Welcome to Terra Nova. Get ready for amazing prehistoric animals. There's an evil beast called a slasher and all sorts of un-Barney-like dinosaurs and nasty creatures. Don't go OTF (outside the fence) without your weapons!

Commander Nathaniel Taylor runs the show. He may be old, but he's hot-hot-hot. An old dude in such incredible shape that, well, he's eye candy. Old eye candy. However, he's dumb as a stone. But being so hot, we don't much care.

Also hot is the villain of the story. Villainess, actually. Meet Mira, leader of a rebel group called The Sixers. (below) Because they came in the sixth transport. They're bad, but not all bad. However, it's totally refreshing to watch Mira kick the shit out of people. She's in seriously good shape. A woman as villain, and black to boot? Love it.

Scroll down for a shot of the Shannon Family. Jim Shannon's a cop. Of course. And Elisabeth Shannon is a trauma surgeon, natch. Two daughters and a son (they had the second daughter illegally and Jim was imprisoned in the Old World for it.)

One completely implausible story line has surgeon-mom doing in-ovum surgery on an unborn slasher that has a birth defect, only for the youngest daughter to want to keep it.

"Oh, can we?" Elisabeth asks Jim.

Right. Can we keep a lethal animal that will end up weighing 200 tons? Clearly a future storyline will have them release the dino to the wild, only to have it SAVE the little girl from other dinos that want to snack on her.

The teenagers are completely unlikeable whiners. But each show ends with the family all sitting together giving each other sappy grins. We love it and we imitate it before they do it. Next time you see us, ask us to show you.

I think a better way to end each episode would be for the Commander to take his clothes off for the camera. I mean, he's hot. How about another shot of those guns? And I don't mean weapons.
By the way, the Commander is played by Stephen Lang, an acclaimed stage actor. Which may be why it's taken him a while to loosen up in this role.